Kristen Stewart
Occupation: Gawky girl in your gym class
Monotone Mary craves the life of an old spinster. She's already got the osteoporosis slouch perfected.
"I'm so boring. I just want to sit with my cat."
If that meant they'd stop hiring you and your flat affect for movies, I'd buy you a cat. I'd even throw in a scratching post and a squeaky mouse.
- 01.18.2011 | 10:15 pm
- View comments (1)
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
Taylor Momsen
Occupation: Kung Fu Panda's pouty makeup double
Shirley Temple with an attitude because she doesn't have a cute drink named after her has this to say about her mommy and daddy:
"Everyone's like, 'Wow, why is she upset and why is she so miserable about things?' My parents signed me up with Ford [modeling agency] at the age of two. No two year old wants to be working, but I had no choice...I didn't have friends. I was working constantly and I didn't have a real life."
You didn't have a real life because you aren't a real person. You are a pouty, hormonal teenage panda bear with a microphone and torn fishnets. You're just pissy because you aren't doing panda bear tumblesaults and gnawing on a stick of bamboo for dinner.
- 01.13.2011 | 11:41 pm
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
Eva Mendes
Occupation: Once a video girl, always a video girl
Filming a sexy scene with that wacky documentarian Joaquin Phoenix:
"He had to kiss my bare breast and put his hand in between my legs. I look as if I'm really into it, but I was crying before it was filmed."
She was just weeping because she was worried that frog in his hair was going to jump into her cleavage.
- 01.12.2011 | 7:16 pm
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
Elizabeth Hurley
Occupation: Confused about her rung on the celebrity evolutionary ladder
It's as if Noel Coward grew boobs and wore dresses from Cache:
"I don't miss having a glass of wine because I've switched to vodka."
Uh-oh. It finally happened. Liz has reached that stage where she is a "woman of a certain age making unfunny jokes about wine". Next stop? Jokes about sexual satisfaction via sitting on top of the washing machine? See also the Joans: Rivers and Collins
- 01.12.2011 | 7:08 pm
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
Tyra Banks
Occupation: Renting out her giant forehead as billboard space
Now here's a well-versed forehead you'd want to have a long conversation with:
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
Forget the Louvre! Who needs to see great works of art when you are a failed Oprah who knows how to "smile with your eyes"?
- 01.11.2011 | 1:49 pm
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
Fred Durst
Occupation: Wishing it was still 1999
Attention Ben & Jerry! You missed out on a winning ice cream flavor called Mall Trash Groovy Groupie.
"Limp Bizkit Ice Cream would taste like the sweetest pair of panties in the world. It would taste like sushi. Sushi or panties."
I think Limp Bizkit Ice Cream would indeed taste like panties and sushi...rotting unagi from the grocery store and cheap, used Victoria's Secret panties from a girl with a yeast infection. Can Fred say, "Yummy"?
- 01.11.2011 | 1:42 pm
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
Sienna Miller
Occupation: Clearance rack Kate Moss
Someone didn't want to fork out the money for Jennifer Lopez's Glow perfume:
"It's happiness that makes you glow. Oh, and maybe just a little touch of fake tan!"
I've heard downing a bottle of Jack Daniels and dating a weenie in an ascot can make a girl glow, too.
- 01.11.2011 | 1:31 pm
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
Alison DuBois
Occupation: Medium rare-ly right?
Taking a break from puffing away on her electronic ciggie, Alison has this to say to the "morally corrupt" Faye Resnick:
"I have books written on me and by me and television shows based on my life so you can just take a flying leap."
Now you have a canceled tv show about you, too, so I guess you can take a flying leap back into obscurity.
- 01.10.2011 | 8:18 pm
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
Bobby Brown
Occupation: Mr. Crack Is Wack
Who doesn't marry Bobby Brown to clean up their image? God, remember how bad Whitney's P.R. was before she met Bobby? Oh, wait...
"[The marriage] was doomed from the very beginning...I think we got married for all the wrong reasons. Now, I realize Whitney had a different agenda than I did when we got married...I believe her agenda was to clean up her image, while mine was to be loved and have children."
I can't believe we've misjudged Bobby all these years. If the American public had just not been on the pipe, we'd have realized he was the teddy bear and Whitney was the bad seed. Hang your head in shame, American reality tv show viewing public! Crack is whack and now you know it.
- 01.10.2011 | 8:10 pm
- View comments (20)
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
Kanye West
Occupation: MTV Music Award hopeful
Seems like someone got a free lifetime subscription to Goop...
"I LOVE COLDPLAY, AND I HONESTLY THINK THEY ARE ON THE SAME LEVEL AS THE BEATLES. IN 30 YEARS, WHEN COLDPLAY ARE OLD MEN, PEOPLE WILL LOOK BACK AND SAY, 'THESE GUYS WERE MORE TALENTED THAN THE BEATLES.'"
No one will say that, Kanye. Not even Apple Paltrow-Martin. Maybe Gwyneth's bff Madonna will say it when she is a senile old bat in a leotard and fingerless lace gloves playing shuffleboard to "Yellow", but that's it.
- 01.10.2011 | 7:56 pm
- View comments (2)
- Write a comment
- View all by this person
- Tweet This
- Back to Top
