Tyra Banks
Occupation: Renting out her giant forehead as billboard space
Self-help advice from Mr. Clean to brighten up your dull surfaces?
"Never dull your shine for somebody else."
With the expanse of her wide forehead reflecting a heap of that shine on some twigs, she could start a campfire in about two seconds. Bam, biotch! Girl Scout camping badge for the swimsuit model! Next!
- 03.08.2011 | 11:59 pm
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Katie "Jordan" Price
Occupation: Melon Mogul
"Just thinking"? I doubt it.
"Just thinking, when school kids do work experience, if they came with me for couple of weeks they would get a real insight of my job and life."
They could probably get that same experience hopping in a time machine back to a 1975 porn set.
- 03.07.2011 | 11:42 pm
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Kim Kardashian
Occupation: Bringing up the rear
In a very special episode of her blog, Kim K discusses an issue close to the hearts of today's youth. It's starting to feel very Judy Blume-y without the IQ in here.
"It seems that shows like Teen Mom are all of a sudden making teen pregnancy seem cool in the eyes of young girls. The kids from these shows are all over the news, even on the covers of magazines, and have been become almost like celebrities, but girls, these are not people you should idolize!"
You should only idolize people who get famous banging Brandy's brother in a sex tape.
- 03.07.2011 | 11:37 pm
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Charlie Sheen
Occupation: Never planning to eat lunch in this town again
The Keats of Crazy releases a statement about his getting fired from some tv show with Duckie.
"This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension."
Another humbling display of the famous wit Sean Penn thinks will save Haiti.
- 03.07.2011 | 9:16 pm
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Sean Penn
Occupation: Sean row your boat ashore, hallelujah
Either Sean's just trying to find a way to excuse his cameo on "Two and a Half Men" or he's suffering from a severe bout of heat stroke:
"Charlie is one of the very few public people who cannot be accused of using the media to his own benefit. I would very much like to show my old friend the world of needs on the ground in Haiti, and introduce him and his tremendous wit to our hard working Haitian staff. If he chooses to give support, I'll trust it."
There's nothing an earthquake ravaged country needs more than wit. If only Oscar Wilde and Dororthy Parker were still alive...between them and Charlie, this whole Haiti business would have been cleaned up ages ago, dahling!
- 03.05.2011 | 2:09 pm
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Jessica Simpson
Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Continuing her jalopy ride to the Beverly Hillbillies' mansion, Jessica has this to belch:
"Yes, I am working out, but why is that worth any sorta press? I always take care of myself. Eric and I could get married right now in sweats!"
If farting, burping and shoppping constitute taking care of yourself, then the blonde slug has got this one in the bag. Marriage sweats? Classssy.
- 03.05.2011 | 1:56 pm
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Camille Grammer
Occupation: Oops! That's not Camille! She must be hiding in her ex-husband's shadow!
Subscribing to The Charlie Sheen Guide to Life, Camille?
"I knew I was winning. I just know, come on. The person that remains in control is the one that wins. She lost her cool. Sorry, Kyle, you lose."
Winner!
- 03.03.2011 | 12:26 pm
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Alison DuBois
Occupation: Medium rare-ly right?
Less of a psychic reading and more of a therapy session on Dr. Phil?
"[Mauricio] will never emotionally fulfill you. Ever. Know that. As soon as the kids are bigger, you'll have nothing in common."
It's nice to know dead people have nothing to do but concern themselves with Paris Hilton's aunt's emotional fulfillment. It grabs you right there, doesn't it?
- 03.03.2011 | 12:23 pm
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Kim Kardashian
Occupation: Bringing up the rear
Oh the sacrifice! Kim is a giver and you can't take that away from her!
"I've decided to sacrifice my digital life to help give real life to millions of people affected by HIV and AIDS in Africa and India. It's true, I'm a little obsessed with Twitter, but I'm even more obsessed with fighting AIDS."
You can tell how obsessed she is by how much of her multi-million dollar fortune she has forked over to AIDS, I mean, the Louis Vuitton boutique and the Rolls Royce dealership.
- 03.02.2011 | 12:05 pm
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Lindsay Lohan
Occupation: Staunch water bottle supporter
Political scientist and driver of Herbie the Love Bug has this to say about current events:
"I pray Egypt maintains it's [sic] treaty with Israel and sets the trend for its neighbors to create peace with Israel and the entire region."
Obviously knowing her career in Hollywood is a wash, Linds is aiming for Shirley Temple's old job as ambassador. She's the goooood shit lollipop head...
- 03.02.2011 | 11:49 am
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