John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
The Charlie Sheen prototype. Seems like it took a few tries before scientists got the right mixture of Tiger Blood, Baby Boomer jams and winning. How V-E-R-Y...
"My two biggest hits are 'Your Body Is a Wonderland' and 'Daughters.' If you think those songs are pandering, then you'll think I'm a douche bag. It's like I come on very strong. I am a very...I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me."
Absolutely no one even likes you, but maybe Chuck Lorre will be willing to overlook that and hire you to play Charlie Sheen's replacement cousin on "Two and a Half Men". It'll be like that one season of "The Dukes of Hazzard" with Coy and Vance Duke!
- 03.29.2011 | 10:31 am
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Miley Cyrus
Occupation: Hillbilly Hannah Hee Haw
On her fellow stable mate, I mean, boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth:
"I think we're both deeper than normal people."
Unless her idea of normal people is her father or any random resident of "Green Acres", I'm afraid I don't know what she's talking about. Maybe if I gave her a sugar cube, she'd make more sense.
- 03.24.2011 | 11:54 pm
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Kendra Wilkinson
Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Not Audrey Hepburn:
"I couldn't even walk in my wedding dress. I could walk in skimpy outfits no problem, but when it comes to a gown and just moving, that's so hard."
She's right. It's difficult to do her typical walk of "legs permanently spread for a gynecological exam" when they are confined in a long dress. People need to recognize that Kendra's vagina needs to room to groove.
- 03.24.2011 | 11:45 pm
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Charlie Sheen
Occupation: Never planning to eat lunch in this town again
The Marlboro Man of cokeheads has a funhouse mirror on his wall:
"I don't think I'm a romantic sex symbol but I think I'm ruggedly handsome."
Yeah, the giant bags under your eyes, your rapid weight loss and that ever-appealing gray tinge to your skin makes me wanna get with you oh-so bad, Charlie. Or, perhaps help drive you to your next chemo appointment. GET HELP!!!
- 03.24.2011 | 11:40 pm
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Gwyneth Paltrow
Occupation: Self-righteous twit
Someone sucked on some Union Jack delusion recently:
"I'm just like any other regular mum; cooking, cleaning, wiping butts, picking up after kids, being a wife and helping the kids with their homework. Mind you, I'm terrible at maths. I can't even do my six-year-old's maths homework with her."
You aren't British, you aren't a "mum", you don't clean anything yourself and you don't do "maths". Screw you and Grey Poupon commercial you think you're living in, Paltrow.
- 03.24.2011 | 11:35 pm
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Kourtney Kardashian
Occupation: Second ugliest Kardashian sister
Even armed with urine, the Armenian Annie Sprinkle wasn't able to disinfect the fungus known as Scott Disick:
"I came to apologize. I'm sorry for rubbing pee all over your face."
Something you might never hear at John Mayer's house?
- 03.15.2011 | 10:13 pm
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Kanye West
Occupation: MTV Music Award hopeful
Someone got hit in the big head with self-awareness:
"I'VE DECIDED TO FALL BACK A BIT ON INTERVIEWS IN ORDER TO 'SELL MY ALBUM'. I CAN'T COME UP WITH SOME MAGIC TRICK TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME."
Maybe he should contact Charlie Sheen about that magic trick. He is a warlock afterall. Some tiger blood, a little anti-Semitism and some porn goddess STDs are working wonders for Charlie's "career". Well, at least amongst train wreck watchers and possessors of low IQs.
- 03.13.2011 | 10:21 pm
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Justin Bieber
Occupation: Mannequin foam head for Jimmy Osmond's wig
Canada's political future is obviously safe in Justin Bieber's sparkly teenybopper paws:
"I'm not sure about the [political] parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that's bad."
A little less time in 3D and a little more time in school might be the cure for the common pop idiot.
- 03.10.2011 | 11:14 pm
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Mike Tyson
Occupation: Cuddly ear nibbler?
Sounds like Jessica Simpson is teaching history class again:
"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."
Having elephants ride into your cartilage is a bitch. The people of Carthage could attest to that. After swarming their local Agora to cram their togas full of Lyrica, they just ended up drowsily walking around with dry mouth. But as long as they didn't drive their chariots or operate heavy machinery without finding out how Lyrica affected them, it's cake.
- 03.10.2011 | 7:03 pm
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Charlie Sheen
Occupation: Never planning to eat lunch in this town again
Heads up, Dan Brown! Idea for your next mindless bestseller is residing at Sober Lodge with some goddesses...
"I've spent the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into gold."
Who knew Billy Goat Cokehead could chew his way into becoming a real life alchemist? I totally bet you this has something to do with the Vatican, Masons and that talking dog from Bush's Baked Beans.
- 03.10.2011 | 6:52 pm
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