Gwyneth Paltrow
Occupation: Self-righteous twit
I live on a different planet than Goopy:
"Beyonce is the most talented human being on the planet."
I wonder if it's difficult finding organic energy bars and overpriced cashmere socks that far up Beyonce's ass.
- 09.12.2011 | 10:25 pm
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Chris Brown
Occupation: Calm, cool and convicted
Garcon! Hand me a magnum of your best champagne because I'm parched:
"Latching on to my every word and criticizing makes you look thirsty. I can't even piss without somebody complaining. Imagine how I feel."
You are such a whiny little worm that eating a plate of alligator poo seems like a better alternative than listening to you.
- 06.24.2011 | 12:20 am
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Cameron Diaz
Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Parading around her embarrassingly small vocabulary:
"Sex is the sexiest word in the English language. Just the word is sexy to me. There’s something to it, don’t you think? Sex is my favourite sport. What’s the quickest way to get me in the mood? I’m always in the mood."
She's morphing from A-list bombshell into Tamra Barney from Orange County with every "I'm still a sexy ingenue" word drooling out of her mouth.
- 06.06.2011 | 10:47 pm
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Danielle Staub
Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Are you there God? It's me, John Gotti wannabe.
"I want to pray for everybody, especially those who have done me grave wrong. For what they've done to me, they're gonna need all the prayers they can get."
Do you think Costco sells horses' heads by the half dozen? With Danielle's apparent financial state, she'll need the discount. Kumbaya my lord, kumbaya.
- 06.02.2011 | 9:36 pm
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Mariah Carey
Occupation: Hungry Hungry Hippo
This makes sense coming from a woman with a walk-in closet living in 1995 that's filled with dresses and denim shorts the size of stripper Garanimals:
"I disregard time. You don't see me wear a watch. I don't have birthdays."
I disregard time actually translates into "I can't tell time and I also can't find a watch four times too small to fit the hamhocks I call wrists."
- 04.24.2011 | 8:34 pm
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Julia Roberts
Occupation: Mr. Ed's stand-in
Raving and whinnying about her husband Danny Moder:
"It was so great to be working on the same movie with him. He's so
good at what he does. He's so clear and focused. It's
actually hard to get his attention on the set because he's really
like, 'No, I'm working'. But at lunch I will be like, 'Hi, remember
me, your wife?'"
Why are you shocked he ignores and forgets you on set? He forgot his first wife the second you galloped into his camera lens.
- 04.24.2011 | 8:22 pm
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Sienna Miller
Occupation: Clearance rack Kate Moss
What her agents told her so they wouldn't get fired?
"I did an action film, but I'm too short and too non-violent to be convincing as a villain."
I just thought it was because she sucked as an actress in general. I didn't know it was really because she sucked as a short actress, too! I bet Rosetta Getty has no trouble picturing her as a villain...
- 04.14.2011 | 7:31 pm
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Jennifer Lopez
Occupation: Stubbornly refusing to evolve professionally
Aaah, the evil cabal known as "they" strike again! When not hiding UFOs and sending subliminal messages through Real Housewives episodes, they are trying to pin the tail on the diva's big ass!
"...But I certainly don't like and I've never been a person who has what they call 'diva behavior,' which is something they tried to pin on me for a long time."
I couldn't even cut and paste this with a straight face. How did she manage to say it without getting struck by lightning?
- 04.13.2011 | 7:20 pm
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Gwyneth Paltrow
Occupation: Self-righteous twit
Her most negative quality is being perfect? Who DOES she think she is? Speaking of which, can't we get the look on Goopy's face on constant loop when she found out her ancestor was a servant?
"One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that's the ironic part. I'm so deeply flawed. I'm just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who's trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There's absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard."
Raise your hand if you delusionally think the free range seaweed known as Gwyneth Paltrow Martin has a perfect life...Bueller? Bueller?
- 04.13.2011 | 7:11 pm
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Chris Brown
Occupation: Calm, cool and convicted
"Respectfully" can mean so many things to so many people...
"My mother taught me to treat a lady respectfully."
As long as you call a lady "m'am" while respectfully committing felony assault on her person, then surely Miss Manners can't wag her etiquette disapproval finger at you?
- 04.02.2011 | 10:58 am
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