Kim Richards Occupation: Escaping from Twitchy Mountain
How can you not love this quote?
"Taylor is in a suitcase."
Considering the size of Taylor's lips, it will take Kyle's giant ego sitting on top of the suitcase to get it closed.
Tamra Barney Occupation: Thinking she's 20 years younger than she is
Tamra's new venture into the As Seen On TV world of products?
"Everyone has a little pocket gay. It’s like an accessory. It’s like a Chihuahua now."
Every branch of the "Real Housewives" franchise seems to have a little pocket bigot. I think we've found the OC's and she's an ignorant accessory, a pointy white hood worn over the head perhaps.
NeNe Leakes Occupation: Telling it like it is
This is so Girl, Interrupted:
"The biggest misconception people have about me is that I’m misunderstood."
No misconceptions here. I understand you perfectly, Nene. You're an imbecile with a short shelf life.
Rooney Mara Occupation: Pretending she's a poor girl named Rooney
The torture of appearing on "Law & Order:SVU" for an episode forced the up-and-coming Most Annoying Girl of the Year to spit this out:
"It was so awful. So stupid. People are obsessed with that show. I don't get it. Me and my boyfriend...went and beat up these fat people, and at the end of the show you find out that I used to be obese and I hate fat people. It's ridiculous. Who would ever do that? Who would beat someone up because they're fat? And as retribution, they sodomized her. I mean, I've been sodomized since the beginning of my career. I should have known then it would come full circle."
A working actress who never had to waitress to pay rent is sodomized by a career that only started in 2005? Dr. Drew's new celebrity rehab should be about spoiled rich girls who can't stop sticking their foot in their mouths.
Demi Moore Occupation: Revving up her Power Scooter to keep up with Ashton's tricycle
From the woman who tweeted half of her marriage and pics of her panty-clad ass for public consumption:
"changing my twitter name isn't a top priority right now. sorry it bothers so many of u. should I not tweet until I do?does it really matter?"
Do you really matter?
Mark Wahlberg Occupation: The Boston Crotch Strangler
The regrets of a college co-ed gone wild and a flasher on a NYC subway shoved in a Magic Bullet blender:
"I should have kept my shirt on a lot more. And not pulled my pants down so much."
Most people figure this out by the time they are five, but I guess Marky Mark was waiting "for the time to bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme". Yo. Yonanas.
Alexis Bellino Occupation: Booby Bible thumper
The Charlie Trotter of Orange County refusing to serve foie gras at her party:
"I know. And, I know, I know, it’s a ‘delicatessen’ in French. No. No."
Delicacy, delicatessen...it's all the same...to an idiot. But, she's got huge fake boobies and, ummm, yeah, that's it. Maybe she can pawn the boobies and pay her mortgage.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Kelly "I graduated from college with a degree in Literature" Bensimon delivers another of her Dorothy Parker-worthy withering put-downs to Alex:
"I gotta, I gotta, I’m gonna, I’m gonna be really raw with you. Your weird. You are so weird. And not nice, you’re not a nice person. You're just not."
This reminds me of a note you'd get passed to you in fourth grade by the annoying girl at the front of the class who has no friends and is carrying a dog-eared copy of "Superfudge".
Teresa Giudice Occupation: Pays in cash
Another charming compliment from Teresa about her cousin Kathy:
"Food-wise everything looked great. I was just expecting for a goddess party, more um… like, maybe naked goddess guys walking around passing her food around to us. Lets just say… I would have done it differently."
Naked goddess guys? Is this the new kind of Drag Queen Bingo Night?
Charlie Sheen Occupation: Never planning to eat lunch in this town again
Honestly, could Tina Fey on her best day have written this skit for SNL?
"News-flash. I am special and I will never be one of you. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. My success rate is 100%!"
News-flash. He actually said, "News-flash." Nothing I could say can top that ever.
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