Bijou Phillips Occupation: Supposedly acting, but does it really matter?
Someone is having their Less Than Zero moment...
"I never had innocence."
That's right muthafucka! Six months old and she was slangin' and bangin' and eatin' Gerber pureed peas with a fork, bitch!
Alicia Silverstone Occupation: That girl in that one movie
Someone make this woman part of a think tank, pronto! Genius like this should not be wasted:
"Some days I wake up and think 'what's wrong' and I'd realize it's nothing other than waking up in a not so great a mood."
The inside of her head is like an empty brand new tract house, isn't it? There's some cheap carpeting, a random brass chandelier and not much room for things like furniture or intelligent thoughts.
Ashlee Simpson Occupation: Lip synctress
Lying about her pregnancy:
"Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something?"
No. You look like you'd be flipping cheeseburgers for a living if your sister wasn't named Jessica Simpson.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Delusions you can drape around your neck when you pay people enough money to kiss your ass:
"It’s fun to do a small film that might be released to DVD not because it’s a horrible film, but because it’s an independent film."
Jessica, Jessica, silly Jessica. Independent films go to film festivals. Your films are so awful they go straight to the dvd shelf at The Salvation Army.
Kyle Richards Occupation: Cirque du So-Bitchy acrobat
About her friend who spent part of the vacation sitting in a suitcase pouting like a three year old:
"I feel bad for Taylor, but we’re on vacation. Come on!"
Yeah, get with the program, Taylor. Your reality tv best friend wants you to put aside your mental breakdown because it's party time in Margaritaville. Body shots and tell-all memoirs!
Rooney Mara Occupation: Pretending she's a poor girl named Rooney
P.R. 911!!! Starlet opens mouth and makes stupid comment! Fix it by making new stupid comment! Wow, where does she come up with them? (Caution: "Perfect Strangers" references abound!)
"If anything, I didn't mean that the storyline was ridiculous; I meant that humanity is ridiculous. I know that 'Law & Order' makes their episodes out of real things that are happening in the city, so to me, by "ridiculous" I meant that humanity is ridiculous."
Balki Bartokomous of ungrateful ingenues has spoken. It isn't a tv show that's bothering her.

"Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous!"

It's all of humanity that is full of ridiculosity! Of course it is. Humanity is about to make her famous isn't it, Cousin Larry?
Melissa Gorga Occupation: Asking Jesus to save a "wench" like her
What a suck ass b-day for Jesus! He isn't even getting the presents:
"My kids always get, you know, over the top gifts for Christmas. If we couldn’t do it, we wouldn't do it. But we can because it's for Jesus' birthday and I’m willing to spend the money."
Jesus is not only the reason for the season in the Gorga household, but apparently the excuse for over-the-top consumerism. Amen and swipe that maxed out credit card, honey.
Joe Giudice Occupation: Waiting for Darwin
A new foodie bridge to cross for Andrew Zimmern?
"I had like turkey poop in my throat."
It's better than Teresa Giudice's hairline in your face.
Natalie Portman Occupation: Girl who won't date you
About the 1997 remake of "Lolita":
"I don`t think there needs to be a movie out where a child has sex with an adult."
There is nothing stupid about this quote and it would never appear on this site except for one tiny detail about the hypocrite who said it. Natalie Portman signed the petition supporting Roman Polanski.
Joe Gorga Occupation: The Libido That Ate Jersey
Hookah-induced sweet nothings:
"I wanna smell your armpit."
Those words and a Whitman's Sampler from Wal-Mart are all a leopard print loving girl needs to make her heart go thump thump. Add a fake diamond ring from HSN and her headboard will go thump thump, too!
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