Jennifer Lopez Occupation: Stubbornly refusing to evolve professionally
I think she's confusing herself with someone else:
"I don't like when people are mean to me, so I don't want to be mean to anybody."
File under Watch As Pinocchio's Diva Nose Grows Longer.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
On wearing high heels while performing court-ordered community service:
"They're only two inches. It's actually much harder to do it in heels. I should actually get more hours for that."
She got that idea from a discarded opening scene from "Pretty Woman".
Taylor Armstrong Occupation: Real Platypus Lips of Beverly Hills
Taylor only seems to have conversations where she can name-drop States. Maybe she has a big ol' United States map on her ceiling instead of a mirror.
"My husband is a venture capitalist and he's richer than Texas."
Yee-haw! It's J.R. and Sue Ellen Ewing of Bel Air! Everything is bigger in Texas, y'know, which is why Taylor's lips are the size of Southfork Ranch.
Camille Grammer Occupation: Oops! That's not Camille! She must be hiding in her ex-husband's shadow!
Dear Diary,

Here are even MORE reasons why Kyle couldn't be more wrong about me being insecure! She's such a Machiavellic realtor's wife! I'm so totally not that. I danced on Club MTV!

Hugs and Kisses,
Camille
"Maybe it's because her husband works for us...in the terms of like, pecking order, my husband's higher on the list. My husband is an A-list celebrity, he's in a successful play, he's won Emmys, Golden Globes. He's celebrated, he's respected in his community. There's a big difference between that and the local Beverly Hills realtor!"
Now that "A-List" wife discarder Kelsey's engaged to the woman he left you for, I guess that list of achievements belongs to someone else now...
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Her new fiance has himself quite the keeper!
"If I'm just in a hang-out mood, I won't even wash it. I'll wait until it smells."
Farting, burping, smelly hair, mom jeans, John Mayer and what appears to be the I.Q. of an empty Lite-Brite box...could Jessica get any better if she even knew how to try?
Mischa Barton Occupation: Public nose picking
Making friends everywhere she goes, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you...Mischa Barton!
"I'm so excited that even being in a foreign place like Moscow right now couldn't stifle my enthusiasm."
Remember what life was like before she started giving rude sound bites to reporters and picking her boogers in public?
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
The yellow brick road to fame is paved with Ray J sex tapes...
"We never say the word 'famous' or 'celebrity'. It makes all of us feel uncomfortable."
Uncomfortable? No. How about it makes two out of three of you feel stupid because Khloe is the only one who can handle the burden of multisyllabic words?
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
Keep in mind, this dramatic epiphany came on the set of "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer":
"The director was like, 'It looks too real. It looks too painful. Can you be prettier when you cry? Cry pretty, Jessica.' He was like, 'Don't do that thing with your face. Just make it flat. We can CGI the tears in.' I'm like, 'But there's no connection to a human being.' And then it all got me thinking: Am I not good enough? Are my instincts and my emotions not good enough? Do people hate them so much that they don't want me to be a person? Am I not allowed to be a person in my work? And so I just said, 'Fuck it. I don't care about this business anymore.'"
Are you good enough? No.

Are your instincts and emotions good enough? No.

Are you allowed to be a person in your "work"? No, please.

Fuck it. Will you go away and stop pretending you are an actress now because the public doesn't care about you, either?
Beyonce Knowles Occupation: Sasha Not So Fierce
It's a good thing she doesn't think too highly of herself or she might be insufferable:
"Sometimes it's overwhelming. Why did God give me my talent, my gift, my family. But I know you're not supposed to question God."
< raises hand > I've got a question for God. Did humility not fit under Beyonce's Christmas tree when you were handing out all her gifts?
Taylor Momsen Occupation: Kung Fu Panda's pouty makeup double
When I think about Taylor's music career, I'm reminded of Tracy Partridge playing tambourine and riding around in a colorblocked bus. C'mon Taylor! Get happy!
"People think pop is rock, and the lines are getting blurred. Now Rihanna's wearing fuckin' leather jackets, and it's really annoying."
I can't believe Rihanna didn't get the Fabric Choices For Music Genres memo that was sent out. The secretary in charge of that totally won't be getting a new #1 Secretary coffee mug for Administrative Professionals Day.
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