Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit
Hey, has anyone seen Kate Bosworth? Oh? Is she backstage at the Coldplay concert? Right then.
"The older I get, the more open-minded I get, the less judgmental I get. Life is long. I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?"
Who made these laws? Umm, the people who decided what the definition for "commitment" was?
Heather Dubrow Occupation: Did you hear she's an actress?
Is there plastic surgery to lipo the junior high mean girl out of a person?
"At the party I called [Gretchen] cute a couple of times. She let Slade know this was not OK, and he thought I was jealous of her. Hmmmm. First of all, I know cute is a four letter word, but when did it become a "FOUR LETTER WORD"!?!"
If you are going to attempt to be the bitchy Sweet Valley High twin of the O.C. franchise, then just own it. Drop the doe-eyed bullshit and just admit you were trying to be a condescending harpy.
Sean Penn Occupation: Sean row your boat ashore, hallelujah
Madonna's ex-husband doesn't approve of Mr. Valley Girl:
"Nic Cage is no longer an actor. He`s more like a performer."
Ok, let's see if I got it, Sean. NOT acceptable if Chris Rock makes jokes about actors at the Academy Awards. PERFECTLY acceptable if Sean Penn verbally throws his acting peers under the bus. What's good for the asshole is not good for the stand-up comic!
Fran Drescher Occupation: The flashy deviated septum from Flushing
Well, la di dah!
"If I go to a concert or sporting event I usually go in a VIP entrance. And leave the same way."
Is that how the aliens let her leave the space ship, too?
Alexis Bellino Occupation: Booby Bible thumper
It's always perplexing when someone under the age of 65 still uses the word "bling":
"I don't care if you're scrubbing a toilet, you can still bling it up."
Considering the alleged state of her finances, Alexis will soon be starring in her own real life Orange County version of Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money" video. Maybe she can get some plastic "bling" out of the gumball machine.
Mark Wahlberg Occupation: The Boston Crotch Strangler
I can barely look at this quote because it is just so f*cking offensive, which explains my tardiness in posting it:
"If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'"
I guess he figured that if Laverne & Shirley could land a plane, then so could he.
Kris Humphries Occupation: The 72 Day Man
Well, this explains why he was confused about the "as long as you both shall live" part of the wedding vows:
"It was totally different than being in a basketball game."
Even with your wife having two basketballs as ass cheeks? Jeez. Being the genius of the century, he must have thought marriage was some long OT and divorce was just time to leave the court.
Adrien Brody Occupation: Not living up to his potential
The emotional fallout of being booted from a lead character to a smaller role in "The Thin Red Line":
"It kind of felt like a soldier coming home after giving his soul and then not being appreciated."
Minus, of course, the whole actually being shot at or watching other people die or getting spit on when you finally come home. Yeah, landing on the cutting room floor is almost exactly like being a real war veteran. Asswipe. Anyone want to start an Actor's Wounded Ego Project?
Ben Affleck Occupation: We're just not that into you...
Clearly able to lip smack his own ass:
"I just feel like sometimes I'm a force to be dealt with. My talents are sometimes overused and also sometimes underused. It's not easy being me."
It's also not easy being green or having an undeserved ego that requires a mansion to house it. Kermit and Miss Piggy, can I get an amen? Hells to the yeah!
Jill Zarin Occupation: The Upper East Side Pearl Shay
Junior High school cattiness, anyone?
"Two girls in a bathroom together---that’s not cool not at LuAnn’s party."
Oh my god! It is so totally not cool at all. They're going to miss the Fuzzy Navels and spin the bottle and Ouija. Jill's totally going to tell her mom if they don't stop talking in the bathroom like right now!
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