Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
This was probably on the last t-shirt she won playing the horse race game at the county fair. I hope she also won a roach clip with beads and feathers playing Ring Toss.
"When you're comfortable with someone you love, the silence is the best."
When your conversation companion is the brain trust known as Britney Spears, silence is indeed golden, unless you are looking for a dissertation on the merits of Slim Jims over Doritos.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
This is funnier when you realize Madonna is getting to the age when she'll have to start stocking up on Depends. It's the circle of life, my friends...
"I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song, and I peed myself!"
Britney, I wouldn't say that thing about peeing too loudly around John Mayer unless you're looking for a new boyfriend who'll dump you for Twitter.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
It's important to remember that Britney probably finds water dripping out of a garden hose very impressive:
"I went to a psychoanalyst. He explained things about my love life that I found very impressive... almost scary. He said I had a problem with closeness and intimacy... that I was afraid of letting myself fall for someone and of being hurt."
She could have spent three dollars at the checkout reigster at Ralph's buying one of those little horoscope scrolls and found out the same thing.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Hey! Brit's tits are for reals, motherchucker!
"I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt."
But, did that growth spurt happen to spontaneously occur at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon's office? Just wondering.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
The people of Australia scream out a giant "Huzzah!":
"Where's Australia? 26 hours away?? Who the f*ck would want to go somewhere that far away!"
Since she can't walk there barefoot before making slurping noises with her straw at the bottom of a frappuccino, then she's not going to the land where men chunder...unless they make vegemite Cheetos.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
My publicist told me to tell you:
"I want to wait to have sex until I'm married."
If only Justin Timberlake's Greatest American Hero white boy afro hadn't sung its siren song so temptingly! Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, there goes my virginity...
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Things Britney should not say while placing her Cheeto-stained paws on a bible during a lightning storm:
"How can I explain this? I don`t see myself -- hand on the Bible -- I know I'm not ugly, but I don`t see myself as a sex symbol or this goddess-attractive beautiful person at all."
This is why it's dangerous to buy your mirrors secondhand at a carnie's yard sale. At one glance you're tall and skinny, the next your squat and fat...but those used funhouse mirrors never show you "sex symbol", durnit! And at Britney's house, they're not too good with "ugly" either.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Oops! The René Descartes of Kentwood, Louisiana did it again!
"I don't like defining myself. I just am."
I yam what I yam, y'all! If only they made spinach-flavored Cheetos, she could be the Popeye of Pop. She already sings like he talks anyway.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Debbie Gibson as described by the original gas station diva:
"She's the original bubble-gum diva."
Britney is not worthy to be the grape Hubba Bubba on the bottom of Debbie Gibson's white Keds.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Like, there are, like, really good parts about being Britney Spears that don't involve endless convenience store trips or her daddy in charge of her liquid assets:
"It's really weird I've been doing this since I was 16 ... You could never get used to this [adulation]. The best part is the fans -- the fans, like, loving you. And the free clothes."
Just based on the head-to-toe denim outfits alone, she should sue whoever was giving her free clothes when she was still dating Justin Timberlake.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Someone's been dipping into clearance priced self-help books again:
"Your house is a reflection of yourself, so I want mine to be exquisite."
Britney's house...I picture a glass topped dining room table with a giant alabaster pedestal, a "classy" white Baroque-style couch with "classy" pillows strewn about it and at least five portraits of herself hanging on the first floor. Apparently, Britney's inner reflection is that of a mafia wife who always pays in cash.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Busy bee Britney doesn't have time for your pedestrian looseleaf paper and number 2 pencil!
"I don't really have time to sit down and write. But when I think of a melody, I call up my answering machine and sing it, so I won't forget it."
Britney's answering machine just sent this telegram: Can't go on listening to that croaking singing. STOP. Been trying to unplug myself for years. STOP. Have reached my end. STOP. Am hanging myself with the telephone cord. STOP. Goodbye cruel world. STOP.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
The Tavi Gevinson of braless pop disasters declares:
"I don't want to pierce anything. I think it's outdated. Belly rings and all are, like, old."
Dirty t-shirts, bad weaves, shorts riding up your crotch and all are like, on trend, right Brit? If only Vogue did more photoshoots at Kohl's, they'd know that.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Smelling like a fish on dates? Words fail.
"First, the worst thing that could happen to is if my boyfriend would break up with me. I would be totally devastated. And then, after the depression, maybe I did some dorky movies that were just bombs. Then, I don't know, s---. Then I did another album that didn't do very well. And then it's back to working at my granny's deli. Back to rolling quarters and boiling crawfish and smelling like a fish on my dates."
Had only the Wilshire Blvd. Starbucks existed when Ellie May Clampett's star was on the rise! Maybe Granny woulda let her jump in the jalopy, set a spell, drink a Frap and spew her LiveJournal-style musings on the trials and tribulations of the modern girl. Goll-lleee, Jethro!
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
What is the level of your parenting skills when you consider anyone in the Spears clan to be a role model for your little brats?
"So many people have asked me how I could possibly be a role model and dress like a tramp and get implants… all I have to say is that self-esteem is how you look at yourself and I feel good enough about myself so wear that kind of clothing… the breast implant issue has nothing to do with that..."
I get less of a trampy vibe than a railroad tramp vibe from her. It looks like Brit's sef-esteem shops for clothing at Walmart and Blain's Farm and Fleet with occasional detours at cougar-approved mall store Cache.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Kentwood, Louisiana's braless-deprived pop wonder continues to holiday on "Fantasy Island":
"Marry Prince William? I'd love that. Who wouldn't want to be a princess?"
Unless Chester Cheeto invades Greenland and sets himself up as Prince of Gas Station Orange Snack Food, Brit will have to content herself with being Barefoot Contessa of Public Restrooms.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Remember when her record label told her what to say?
"I have very high morals. I don't believe in sex before marriage. I don't believe in drugs or smoking. I believe in God. "
Moral Britney must have been on holiday when she was screwing Justin Timberlake and inhaling Marlboros.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
The books of the world have united and decided they don't want her to read them.
"Every night, I have to read a book, so that my mind will stop thinking about things that I stress about."
THINGS I STRESS ABOUT by Britney Jean Spears: 1.What's a bra? 2.Lip-synching is hard y'all! 3.Why doesn't Madonna return my calls? 4.Why can't I be Lady Gaga?
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Britney performs...art?
"In the future, I will refrain from discussing my private life in interviews. It will be expressed solely through art."
It might be a (crack)pipe dream of mine, but I hope her art somehow involves a mime routine with Shields and Yarnell. One question...can one mime in a hillbilly accent?
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Ms. Forrest Gump Spears weighing in on a social issue:
"I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time."
What happens when you fill your stupid quota for a lifetime? Is it like an overcrowded airplane? Do you automatically get upgraded to genius? She's so close! One more utterance like this and Britney will be flying first class, baby!
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
When asked in an interview how often the courts have allowed her to see her children, the ever caring, attentive, and yes - even concerned - mother responded with:
"Stuff like that, my lawyers know all that stuff."
Yeah, yeah, Britney is the proverbial dead horse still being flogged, but you know.. I hate horses. Especially dead ones.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Britney discussing the perils of air travel with her then assistant:
"Felicia, what if we don't see the ground when we land? And we just hit the ground? It'll just scare me out of nowhere."
Can you imagine just hitting the ground? It'd be like, oh I don't know, landing or something. Maybe they should let Britney pilot a plane. She could sit in a chair 2 sizes too small with headsets on pretending to move things. At the end of the flight, Kayne West could complain that the airline sucks because they didn't let him sit in the cockpit.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Fickle Britney:
"I no longer study Kaballah, my baby is my religion."
Thank goodness for that! Otherwise, she'd be driving around with Kabbalah on her lap and dropping poor Kabbalah on its head.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
When asked why she did a cover of "I Love Rock n Roll", Titney lobs this gem back:
"I always loved Pat Benatar."
If we dissected her brain, would we find anything other than cobwebs and stale Cheetos dust?
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
This site couldn't really exist without this quote could it?
"People can take everything away from you. But they can never take away your truth. But can you handle it? Can you handle my truth? I don't know... hahaha. Can you handle his? Or hers? We shall see!"
If your truth resembles your vagina in any way Britney, then no. We cannot handle your truth.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Hey y'all! Guess why my career blows
"I don’t listen to anybody. I’m stubborn. But I do listen to Madonna. I wish I could be inside her head."
Don't worry Britney, all you'd find inside Madonna's noggin are stolen African children who are forced to wear red bracelets.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Do they have rehab for IQ?
"I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa."
Geography is very confusing to Mrs. Federline. It's more than one syllable and it doesn't smell like Cheetos.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Giving the kind of insight that only Britney can about her feature debut:
"[Crossroads] is not a Hollywood movie, it's a real movie."
Britney is not a pretend moron, she's a real moron, y'all.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
It takes quite a lot to make Avril look like the smart one. Britney was up for the challenge:
"I freakin' love Avril's stuff. It freakin' rocks...Avril doesn't really dance, but whatever. It's weird. My third album sold as much as her first one, which is very funny to me because everyone thought it didn't do that great."
A singer who doesn't dance? What are they freakin' gonna do, like, freakin' stand there and SING? God freakin' forbid.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
More from the musical wunderkind that is BRITNEY:
"You know how people say 'NSync copied Backstreet? Well Backstreet copied The Beatles. "
It's true. That's where Backstreet got the idea for those swanky dance moves and shiny pants.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
The charming response given when Details mentioned that people thought Kevin was with her for the money.
"Well, time will tell, motherchuckers."
Oh, it has... it has...
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Britney speaks of her charmed life:
"I'm a woman now, and I've had so many cool experiences....and awesome ones as well."
Cool ones being marrying Kevin, awesome ones include getting to the bottom of a Cheetos bag
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Whilst providing a lesson in "nu-geography", Britney endears herself to our neighbors to the north:
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
I know, you're wondering what kind of boat she's taking to get there right? And is K-Fed piloting? Can he please be dressed like Daryl Dragon from Captain & Tennille?
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
Robert Redford should have taken this into account:
"Sundance is weird--you actually have to think about [the films] when you watch them"
It would be easier if a film came with instructions, but that would assume she knows how to read.
Britney Spears Occupation: Deep fried stupid with a side of pork rinds
When asked if she had plans to take a role on Broadway
"I would rather start out somewhere small, like London or England. "
Is this why people in other countries think we're stupid?

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