Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Not Audrey Hepburn:
"I couldn't even walk in my wedding dress. I could walk in skimpy outfits no problem, but when it comes to a gown and just moving, that's so hard."
She's right. It's difficult to do her typical walk of "legs permanently spread for a gynecological exam" when they are confined in a long dress. People need to recognize that Kendra's vagina needs to room to groove.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
The ever demure Kendra on her personal privacy boundaries regarding baby Hank:
"That will be all private. I want to be able to spend my quality time with what's been growing inside of me for nine months."
Birth of baby...private. Tits, ass, sex tape...public. Got it.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Kendra knew you were worried she wasn't having sex so she thought she'd share:
"When the baby sleeps, we have sex! That's what it is for us. That's why it's so cool to be young parents because we have the energy to do that."
Old parents just sit back with their mug of steaming hot Metamucil and reminisce about the days when they used to walk five miles in the snow...uphill!...to get to their master bedrooms for a quickie. Young people have it so easy these days.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
When your intelligence bar is set basically half an inch off the ground, it's easy to trip over it into a Turbo Tax program:
"Right now I think I'm the smartest I've ever been. I'm doing everything great now and everything perfect. Like with this taxes stuff. I'm getting better at that. I'm making sure everything is a write-off. Every single thing."
Every single thing, huh? Like Windex for your stripper pole and cranberry juice for that tight-shorts-up-your-crotch urinary tract infection you've probably contracted? I've got a name for you Kendra: Leona Helmsley. Little people, big people and sex tape people all pay taxes, dear.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Poop-oop-a-doop?
"Whenever I feel nervous, I feel like I have to poop."
She must be Nervous Nelly every time the "Kendra" cameras roll because that show is an ocean of crashing waves of shit.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
No prostitution coke whore here!
"I wasn't a druggie stripper. I was a very good person doing it."
Her mommy always told her to say "thank you very much" when horny dudes stuck $10 bills in her sweaty g-string. She was brought up right.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
She can't help herself, and by that I mean, she probably can't tie her own shoes without assistance.
"I love watching boxing with Hef and rooting for my favorite football teams."
OMG! Me too, Kendra! I love watching rugby with a decaying sexual Peter Pan and rooting for my favorite Ice Capades dancers.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Ahh, the follies of sex taping youth!
"It bothers me because people are going to judge me and stuff..I just hope to God nobody looks at me like a porn star or something. I just hope they don't press play because that's not me. I mean, that was me, but that's not me now."
I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself with the use of the word porn "star", Kendra. One lousy sex tape does not a stahhhhh make. Anyway, we all look at you like a hoor who got paid to shack up with an old guy, not like a porn queen. No worries, honey!
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
When Mommy is out hawking her stripper poles, she misses the all the good stuff:
"It's so funny that you say that, because, Hank just sent me a video of the baby pooping, and I'm like, "I miss his poop so much!"
Aww, she misses his poo because it reminds her of those good old days of changing Hef's Depends Super Plus Absorbency Adjustable Underwear. Old dudes are so cute like that!
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Just in case you were wondering how Kendra's kid is going to feel about seeing Mommy on her stripper pole...
"I think he’s gonna love it! There’s nothing like seeing your mom sexy and happy. Your babies will grow up happy if you’re happy. "
Hank better keep playing pro football because those teenage angst therapy bills add up.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
The joys of motherhood:
"Up all night with the lil man again but i enjoy every min of it, He almost peed in my face today."
Is she sure she didn't bring baby John Mayer home from the hospital by mistake?
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Witness as a waste of space attempts to understand that dang postage stamp thing:
"The first time I mailed something on my own, like a couple of months ago, I didn't put a stamp on it! My mom, she was like, "Are you serious? You didn't put a stamp on your mail?" I'm like, "Dude, I've never been on my own before, how am I supposed to know?""
Look, Kendra doesn't have time to master plebian tasks like mailing letters. She has a lot to do...like looking at her ass in the mirror all day and collecting athletic socks.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
The peroxide Stephen Hawking describes a brief history of time...
"I'm 22 and still have my whole sex life ahead of me. I still have a lot of sex years ahead of me. But all girls need a vibrator!"
"I'm 22 and still have my whole PORN life ahead of me." Fixed it for ya, Kendra!
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Anna Wintour watch out! The stupider-than-Pamela-Anderson blonde weighs in on her costume for the Midsummer Night's Dream party at the Playboy Mansion:
"I really don't start planning my outfits until, like, a week ahead, because, whatever I put on is gonna be hot - you know, you could wear... two Band-Aids and a cork."
Kendra apparently had her modesty sucked out during liposuction.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Preening Kendra chats about her new acquisition:
"Now that I have my grill I definitely feel more like gangsta."
Or perhaps more like the star of "Hooker Barbie Gets New Fake Teeth"?
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
It's so cute when a blonde tries to type sentences on her own website:
"I want you guys to know that I know that this fantasy land I live now doesn't last forever and I now that and thats why i go to school. This can all go away in the blink of an eye so I am also using this situation to save money for my future. Oh yeah and what you see on tv is not always the truth by the way even if its a reallity show."
Seems to me that with the money she's "earned" riding leatherface, she should be able to afford a school that teaches punctuation and spelling.
Kendra Wilkinson Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
On her Playboy shoot:
"My favorite part about this whole shoot is taking pictures of who I am. Sexy, classy nude pictures, you know?"
Nude Playboy pictorials are to class as Kendra is to Mensa.

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