Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
When you wish upon a star, makes no diference what a homewrecker you are!
"I want to have a shaved head, 30 tattoos and 3 lovers."
Which has now been updated to: I want to have a real box office hit again, weigh 30 pounds and take three people's lovers.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
I can't think of a worse punishment than having monosyllabic cave person Brad Pitt as your only friend. Karma's a mean girl, Angelina.
"But I don't know, I don't have a lot of friends I talk to. He is really the only person I talk to."
Since he is guest one and only, now for sure Brad's going to be the one who gets his bra stuck in the freezer at Angie's next slumber party.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Breakfast at the Jolie-Pitt residence isn't your father's Oldsmobile. It's more like The Brady Bunch at your local multi-million Euro French chateau-slash-dive bar.
"We're like bartenders. We're like waiters."
Sign me up. A-list dillhole bartenders serving me breakfast! Score! I'll take a Frosted S'mores Pop Tart and a Tom Collins, Angie. Thanks babe!
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
But does she feel badly for people who had love until their significant other starred in a film with Angelina Jolie?
"I feel sad for someone who has never known love. Love elevates. You know, Brad would joke about me having this conversation about love. Love? It's such a funny word. Brad can find certain phrases of poetry for it. I'm terrible at it. But I know it means wanting the best for the people you love, putting their interests above your own, always. Love does that. Love is what you live for."
Reading this, can't you imagine Brad and Angelina as one of those crappy Russ Wallace Berrie figurines you could buy at Hallmark in the 70s for a last minute anniversary gift? Y'know, those frumpy, cream colored, big eyed statues with sayings etched into them like "I wuv you 4 ever honey". That's Brad poetry to me.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Oh, to be back in those heady days when she was still trying to impress the readers of "Sassy Magazine"!
"I think scars are sexy because they mean that you made a mistake that led to a mess."
If "messy" gets her off, how horny does she get when confronted with toxic waste dumps or shit-filled diapers? Brad probably has to chain her down when "Hoarders" is on television. Sexxxaaay.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Homewrecker self-affirmation of the day:
"Some people say you are going the wrong way, when it's simply a way of your own."
She's like a giant lipped, pedantic fortune cookie from an overpriced Pan-Asian fusion restaurant. Your lucky numbers are 7, 10, 69.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
On Lara Croft's body:
"I'm glad those curves are not mine. I don't find them attractive."
It is so much more attractive to be a walking vein with a giant head. Angelina's looney tooney fans keep saying she is better than the rest of us, so maybe she's already started evolving into the next generation of human---all throbby veins, big head, no regard for other people's romantic relationships.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Nothing says yummy like licking aloe vera off a leg the width of a matchstick:
"I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I'll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don't taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me."
When you weigh as little as Angelina, you need to put on an hour's worth of lotion so you don't blow away from all the hot air coming out of Brad's mouth when he talks about being an architect.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Attention non-artist parents: You suck.
"Artists raise their kids differently. We communicate to the point where we probably annoy our children. We have art around the house, we have books, we go to plays, we talk."
Non-artist parents don't let their children read or talk or look at art. They make them sit and watch toxic, non-environmentally friendly paint dry on the walls.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Angelina on the dreamboat who, like totally, flips her long black drapey skirts!
"I love Churchill. I have every book on him. I listen to his speeches on tape -- the last great orator and statesman, and his painting and his bricklaying and his gardening and his marriage."
UNHCR Ambassador Angelina Jolie will be calling a special press conference to announce the results of United Nations General Assembly Resolution 1568754: whether the membership of The Official Winston Churchill Fanclub will be referred to as Churchtards or Winstaloonies.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
The Nate Berkus of brother kissers on her decorating sense:
"I saw these plastic horses - we'll have them instead of chairs. People will climb in the saddle to sit."
So basically, her house will be decorated like the outside of a 1970s Woolworth's?
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Oh, the innocence of carrying a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck days:
"I`ve told Billy if I ever caught him cheating, I wouldn`t kill him because I love his children and they need a dad. But I would beat him up. I know where all of his sports injuries are. And I`d beat her, too!"
She should have written this on a post-it note for Laura Dern.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
When asked if she would run for office:
"I think I've got too many skeletons in my closet for politics."
Oh no honey! That wasn't the closet! You just caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Still more crap from the homewrecking child collector:
"I was a member of a group called the Kissy Girls. I was very sexual in kindergarten."
For some reason I can't shake the mental image of her in school with near clown-like make up offering the boys a "good time" in exchange for Gummi Worms.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
The walking lollipop weighs in on emaciated women:
"Men don't really like skinny, do they? Ever since I dated a woman, I know what it is to grab a curve on a woman's body. Skinny's not fine when the lights are low."
Men don't like skinny? Must be why she's shacking up with a woman, oops, I mean Brad.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Daily update about Angelina from Angelina:
"It was in a small village. I won’t say where, or with whom, but some gangsters planned to kidnap me and extort a massive ransom. I was warned at the last minute, and managed to escape, luckily."
There's something very Sophia from "Golden Girls" about this story: Picture it, Sicily 1935. A lip-heavy lass arrives in a small village filled with kidnappers. They plan to steal her and deprive the whole world of Brangelina. She is warned at the last minute by a man with a mysterious past. That man my friends was...Milton Berle.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Just in case you were wondering:
"I need more sex, okay? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world."
"...as long as they are my co-star and have a serious girlfriend...or 'best friend'...oops, I mean wife."
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
On the Atlas sized struggle of HAVING to stay at the most expensive hotels on the planet:
"Sadly, we have to stay in five-star hotels when we have paparazzi following us. We did stay in a one-room shack in the middle of the Cambodian jungle because nobody else was there. But when you have kids, especially a six-month-old baby, you need clean water and salad for them."
Tell me again why a six-month-old "blob" would be eating salad? I will take the high road and not point out what a lying hypocrite she is for this load of b.s.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Ms. Jolie discussing how giving a 6 month old baby a world of privilege is far more traumatic than a newborn.
"Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her...I met my other kids when they were 6 months old, they came with a personality. A newborn really is this...Yes, a blob! But now she's starting to have a personality...I'm conscious that I have to make sure I don't ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable."
This is going to be one pissed off kid when she learns how to read.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Angelina speaks as to why she may not have a complete Pokemon children collection
"Brad and I want to continue to adopt, but keeping a big family uses up a lot of money."
Listen toots, it's really hard to feel sorry for you when you and Brad have more money than 10 average family incomes combined.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
Known for her astounding level of sanity, Angelina Jolie elucidates the state of her mental health.
"Therapy? I don't need that. The roles that I choose are my therapy."
"Taking Lives", like most of your films, must have been a wonderful therapeutic exercise in bowel emptying since it was such a grand piece of shit.
Angelina Jolie Occupation: Womb Raider
This was from the days when Gia, er Angelina threatened litigious action against any who suggested she was dating Brad Pitt.
"To be intimate with a married man, when my own father cheated on my mother, is not something I could forgive.......I could not, could not look at myself in the morning if I did that."
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the biggest homewrecker of them all?

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