Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Parading around her embarrassingly small vocabulary:
"Sex is the sexiest word in the English language. Just the word is sexy to me. There’s something to it, don’t you think? Sex is my favourite sport. What’s the quickest way to get me in the mood? I’m always in the mood."
She's morphing from A-list bombshell into Tamra Barney from Orange County with every "I'm still a sexy ingenue" word drooling out of her mouth.
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Things you have to say when a drip like Justin Timberlake dumps you:
"Who would want to be with the same person for 80 years? Why not break it up a little bit?"
You have to hand it to her. At least she's self-aware enough to know the only things that would want to spend 80 years with her annoying face are her zits.
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Maybe if by "society" she means a prom-themed wedding taking place in a backwoods trailer park in Arkansas...
"I think the big misconception in our society is that we're supposed to meet the one when we're 18, and we're supposed to get married to them and love them for the rest of our lives. Bulls**t."
I think the big misconception in Hollywood is that the public wants to hear the same tired old acne-encrusted actress spouting knowier-than-thou philosophies on love. Bulls**t. There's just a dearth of deaf, dumb and blind men in Ms. Diaz's dating pool.
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Oh god no, she's not getting catty about Jessica Biel's bubble butt. What would make you say that?
"Most booties that propel girls are usually the bigger booties. I have a little tiny one, but it is, nonetheless, juicy."
She also has a tiny brain, but it is, nonetheless, juicy. You can make an entire jug of rancid lemonade out of it.
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Time to remind us that she isn't getting older. She's just getting sexier:
"Oh gosh, I can't even count how many times I've gotten on a plane for love. It's not unusual in this business; my lifestyle demands it. I'm always traveling for [whispers] cock. You've got to go where it is."
Of course, she has to fly to get cock. Between the smelly burps, fart jokes with hippie drip Drew Barrymore and a face like a Little Caesar's pizza, you can bet cock isn't going to fly to see her.
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
There's something incredibly slow on the uptake about Mary...
"I think we all have that maternal ability. I'm a mother now; it's a nurturing nature that we all have. I definitely don't want to have children right now."
Shouldn't one be in possession of a child of some sort to be called a mother? Sorry Cameron, your family of zits doesn't count.
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
What your flack tells you to say when they know you'll never win an Oscar:
"I'm not ashamed of being a bubbly, funny person. I think that's as valid as being the dark, brooding, tortured Oscar-nominated one."
Also what you say when you've built more than half your career running around on screen in your panties and guffawing. Academy Award, no. Prom Queen of the Teen Choice Awards, yes.
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
If she could only spell it, Cameron's real name would be Hypocrite:
"I don't own a TV because I think it's the devil."
"Tv is the devil...except when my asinine 'Trippin' show was on MTV. Or when I do interviews on Letterman or when I host 'SNL' or commercials for my moronic movies are shown. Then, it's totally not the devil. Just the other times."
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
A Princess Fiona mating trick? Or how Cameron Diaz passes the time when she's out of toads and shrooms?
"I would kiss a frog even if there were no promise of a Prince Charming popping out of it. I love frogs. I'd lick him."
I don't know...I think Justin Trouserfrog sounds just as catchy and every bit as appetizing as Justin Trousersnake. And to think what Cameron was willing to do for a frog, it's really shocking that relationship didn't last. Boggles the mind, really...
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Sally Self-Confidence takes another ride on the Full of Herself merry-go-round:
"I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
When did we all decide she doesn't suck as an actress? I think we as a nation need to watch "Gangs of New York" and take another vote.
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Looks like there's soon to be an AARP subscription in the name of one Ms. Crater Face...
"I can't wait to be that age and hanging out with a bunch of people hanging out all day playing golf and going to the beach, all my own age. We'd be laughing and having a good time and getting loopy on our prescription drugs. Driving golf carts around. I can't wait."
Other than hanging around Robertson and spitting on photographers, I don't see how this is any different than any other day in the life of Cameron Diaz. And who knew old people activities and subplots from 80s teen angst movies had so much in common?
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Sir Acne Newton didn't need an apple to fall on her big head:
"I've been noticing gravity since I was very young."
Was she just floating around and eating dehydrated ice cream before that?
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Taking her fashion cues from Chachi Arcola and Kristy McNichol:
"Growing up, I was the plain one. I had no style. I was the tough kid with the comb in the back pocket and the feathered hair."
Did she grow up on the set of "The White Shadow" or something?
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Cammie takes a stand for the underserved "attractive" minority:
"If a woman who's a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average. It's all in my genes, so don't hold it against me."
Get a grip on a bottle of Proactive! You are no Catherine Deneuve, honey.
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
Zit Girl chimes in about her life at Sweet Valley High...oops, I mean, about being a celeb:
"It's like high school. We're like the popular kids. Everybody wants to know what happens to us."
Sooooo true. The rest of us can't wait for the 2o year reunion so we can laugh about how you fat, balding losers can't let go of your "glory days".
Cameron Diaz Occupation: Confusing belching for comedy
And now from the archives of "Celebrities Say One Thing But Do Another"...
"You don't want to be photographed? You don't want to be known? Then you don't need to be out there peddling movies."
Did she spew this crap before or after beating up the paparazzi for taking her pic?

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