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Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Madge finally admits her real age and the mystery of her scary appearance is solved. It's not exercise or Kabbalah water. It's just 300 years of natural mummification, my dear Watson!
"Everyone relates that title to me because of the song I did 300 years ago. It's a title I got stuck with. When I first did the song it was meant in an ironic way, as I don't think of myself as a materialist person. I hate that name but I do love clothes and fashion and I love beautiful things. As the years went by, strangers would see me in the street and would shout, 'Yo, it's the Material Girl' and I was like, 'Ahh, I'm not, I hate that name'."
Just because she owns closets of haute couture, multiple mansions, millions of dollars worth of artwork and charges out the ass to see her lip-sync at a concert, why on Earth would you think she's materialistic? That is poverty, Madonna style. It's not like she owns a country or anything. Haters!
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Angelina Jolie's stick figure mirror image speaks ever so eloquently on the wonders of fat rolls:
"The women you see in videos are always stick figures. It's such a taboo to have women with rolls of flesh on them, but to me they're so beautiful and strong. When you sit down, you have a fat roll even if you're not fat. My six-year-old daughter has a fat roll. I feel very consoled by that. It's cool."
If it's so cool, then why do your hands look like those of a mummy dug up from the Theban Necropolis? Are you saving your fat rolls for the clay jar they'll be sticking in your pyramid?
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Madonna defends Miley. Hands raised---who thinks Madge would let 15 year old Lola pose only in a sheet in Vanity Fair? Yeah, that's what I thought.
"Leave her alone. She's gonna be 16 soon and then 17 and then 18, and then she might show her knees and then what's going to happen?"
Who knew Madonna could count without music? Of course she's defending Hee Haw Hannah. They are two off-key singers in a pod who owe their entire music careers to sound engineers and p.r. flacks.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Think how many CNN interviews Al Gore could have turned down if only he had truly paid attention to Madonna's concert at Live Earth:
"If you wanna save the planet, let me see you jump!"
Wiggida wiggida wack! I'm not a scientist or a crappy songwriter, mind you, but I think the only way this plan would work is if all these people found a way to actually jump OFF the planet. They can take Goop with them, please.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
I'll try to fit pretending I'm the son of God on my list of things to do this year. Let's see, it was get out of debt, find the perfect bathing suit and get professional help for my Messianic complex, so yeah...
"We all need to be Jesus in our time."
Or if not, we all need to date a boy our daughter's age named Jesus to convince ourselves we aren't slowly morphing into a humorless Golden Girl.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
The artist unfortunately still known as Madonna describes Prince's B.O.:
"He reeks of lavender. It turned me on, actually."
Is this like when noblemen in the Renaissance used to hold scented handkerchiefs up to their noses to cover the odor of the unwashed peasants beneath them? If that's the case, Prince had the right idea.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Like a hard assed ostrich with her tightly pulled face buried in the sand:
"Newspapers are full of lies; I don't want to have anything to do with them. It's just a rule in our house; nobody can bring magazines or newspapers into the house."
Madonna would like you to know she does not believe in newspapers. It is a fallacy that they are full of current events, business news, weather updates or even Peanuts comics. They are just filled with LIES. Lies, I tell you! And on that note, she has a case of Kabbalah water she'd like to sell you.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
So in other words, it's really not all right with you...
"If Britney is being called 'The New Madonna' it's all right by me, but there's more to being Madonna than taking your clothes off."
There's also lip synching, fake English accents, style over substance, and voices that owe eternal gratitude to studio engineers. Wait. That is Britney, too! If you think about it, Britney is Madonna's picture of Dorian Gray.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Madonna thinks Gwen Stefani is Single White Female-ing her:
"She has ripped me off. We work with the same people, she married a Brit, she's got long hair and she likes fashion."
You'd better watch out, Gwen. If you start sporting a black lace glove on one hand, Madonna won't invite you over to her cool girls slumber party or let you sit with her at her lunch table. Debi Mazar should kick all their asses anyway because Madonna wouldn't have looked like Madonna back in the day without her.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
What follows might be one of the scariest things you will ever read in your life:
"I mean, one of the biggest problems that exists right now in the world is nuclear waste ... that's something I've been involved with for a while with a group of scientists - finding a way to neutralise radiation."
Madame Madonna Curie Ciccone??? Can't help you with nuclear waste, but perhaps toxic celluloid waste would have dropped dramatically if she'd never made the films "Shanghai Surprise" and "Who's That Girl?"
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Madonna---the embodiment of conspicuous consumption? Poppycock!
"I like to show off when I'm onstage, but I don't like to show on, like, 'Come in and check it out. Look how rich I am.' That's not my style."
That $40 million penthouse in Central Park West is just a doodad she picked up along the way. It's not like, she's all, look at how rich I am, but you working class stiffs should donate to my charity instead of me funding the whole project myself or anything.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Forget Gwyneth! Madonna has some goop-y advice to fix your life:
"Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything will be fine."
In other words, use a half percent of your brain and adorn yourself in an ensemble made entirely out of denim. All will be well.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Taking a stand for marginalized celebrities everywhere!
"[Tom Cruise] is a good person. I think he gets a raw deal, just as I think the orphans in Malawi get a raw deal; just as I think a lot of marginalised people get a raw deal."
"Must somehow figure out how to connect multi-millionaire celeb's 'problems' with starving children's real problems...ooh! I'll use the word marginalized and that will make all the difference."
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Just in case you were wondering how the human rights violations on the African continent relate to Britney Spears:
"When you think about the way people treat each other in Africa, about witchcraft and people inflicting cruelty and pain on each other, then come back here and, you know, people taking pictures of people when they're in their homes, being taken to hospitals, or suffering, and selling them, getting energy from them, that's a terrible infliction of cruelty."
Late onset of pop diva senility? A little late on that bandwagon aren't you Madge? Mariah had you beat by years! I remember when you were an innovator and not a follower...
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Madonna touts her political science Ph.D. with the following:
"I don’t know what our government does except put us into debt and blow up other countries."
Cor blimey, govna! Even in a fake British accent, it doesn't sound any smarter.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Bemoaning the present state of literature, Madge is at her most eloquent:
"I'm starting to read to my son, but I couldn't believe how vapid and vacant and empty all the stories were. There's, like, no lessons.... There's, like, no books about anything."
"So that's, like, why I had to so totally write books myself. I mean, my gawd! Where did all the, like y'know, books go dude? This is sooo bumming me out. Totally. Thank Kabbalah I, like, know how to, y'know, write and all. Cuz like, what would books do without me? They'd be, like, not there. Seriously."
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Much like all the other spandex-wearing geriatrics talking to themselves and feeding pigeons in the park:
"Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion."
Ooh, thanks, but I only want it if it's on clearance and comes with a Cat Genie litter box.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
To be filed under fake English accents and grand psychiatric delusions:
"I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon - but I want to stay alive."
The alive part is what kills the dream for me.
Madonna Occupation: Jim Jones in training
Detailing her reasons to, as London's Sunday Times put it: "lobbying the government and nuclear industry over a scheme to clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid", Desperately Seeking Sanity blurted this gem:
"I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn't a world to conquer, what's the point?"
Actually, it's quite genius to say that you CAN create the best works of art in the world, but won't as long as nuclear power is in use. That way you never have to pony up the talent.
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