David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
Women of Germany, beware! The Hoffster is still on the prowl and probably wearing leather without a shirt:
"I try to let the ladies gravitate towards me so it doesn't look like I'm trying to jump into bed with them."
Unless these women have metal plates in their bodies and The Hoff is holding a giant magnet, no ladies are gravitating towards him....except to use him to get to that sexy voiced KITT.
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
You might have to dig all the way to the center of the Earth, but there is a silver lining to be found on "Dancing With The Stars":
"You won't see me in Spandex because it reveals too much of The Hoff."
America would like to present Spandex with the National Humanitarian Award For Visual Preservation of the Country's Eyes.
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
Eat, Pray, Love, Hoff...
"I've done everything, and I talk about what I`ve learnt through all those journeys: how I tried to save the world and I forgot to save myself."
Based on this quote, are we absolutely certain Hasselhoff isn't a middle aged divorcée who likes to sing Cher's "Believe" while sitting in a terry cloth robe scarfing down low-fat Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby?
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
For one moment, imagine yourself swimming in the deep end of the Jack Daniels pool (complete with slide!) that is known as The Hoff's brain:
"I believe the camera photographs your aura, and it also photographs your heart. And I cast "Baywatch" that way."
What he meant to say is that by photographing the heart you also photograph the fake boobies and he made sure to cast "Baywatch" that way.
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
Jurassic Drunk is hoping to emulate a big purple dinosaur no one cares about anymore:
"Before long, I'll have my own channel - I'll be like Barney."
You know what, Hoff? You're more like Barney's loser drunk brother who brews his own namesake beer. I guess that would make you less a felt dinosaur and more a Billy Carter.
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
Germans rejoice!
"I'm recording a new romantic songs CD and for US television network PBS, we will shoot a special in the castles of Ireland, with the Celtic women dancing in unison with me."
Dancing in unison with the Johnny Mathis of lifeguarding? I hope those Celtic women know all the steps to The Drunk Hamburger Eater Dance by heart.
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
Tear down that wall, Mitch Bucannon!
"I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Checkpoint Charlie."
German pop phenom! Lifeguard! Talking Car Driver! Uniter of Germany! Is there nothing this drunken blob of man can't do?
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
Maybe they all reside in Germany?
"There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me."
Didn't Mike and Carol Brady tell Bobby & Cindy to quit sending those fake dying kid letters?
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
As usual, Hasselhoff's integrity has all the firmness of a saline breast implant...
"I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting . . . " I think the show should be emotional story lines, morals, real- life heroes. And that's what we're doing."
Thank Poseidon Hoff stuck to his guns! "Baywatch" the later years had a distinct Dreiserian feel to the slo-mo boob bouncing sequences. Way to go, bro!
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
The Hoff clears up some of those nagging questions we have about him...
"I’ve got taste. It’s inbred in me."
That seriously explains so much about his clothing in the 80s.
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
Hey! He's got...r-a-n-g-e. Or is that mange?
"I can do some really spiritual stuff about people that are close to me ... you know when they get in trouble with eating or alcohol or whatever comes into your life that you need to address."
All hail the boob tube messiah!
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
Watch your back Vonnegut - Hasselhoff is gunning for you!
"I wanted to play around with the format, really tear it to pieces and shake it up. For example, if Mitch saves someone from drowning, and that person then goes out and releases a virus that kills a million people. Imagine the moral implications of that."
Great! Now I'll never get to sleep worrying about the moral implications of a lifeguard/private dick altering the future of humanity with one selfless act of heroism. Damn that Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff Occupation: Not Getting The Joke
A testament to German engineering:
"Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and, in many cases, helped save lives. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has had such a significance for so many." "
Saved lives? It must be all the floatation devices people purchased from their plastic surgeons after watching the show...

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