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Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Nick Lachey must be thrilled to know the place former boyfriend Tony Romo holds in Jess' famewhoring heart:
"I just told him today, 'You're the love of my life.' I don't really ever say that to anybody."
She usually only shares that information with tabloid reporters.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Smarty Mom-Pants Simpson proves her smarts with some verbal incontinence...
"On my first day of junior high I was in Geography class, and the teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. And I was sooo excited. I was like, Damnit! It's my first day of 7th grade, I'm in junior high and I know this answer. So, I raised my hand, I was the first one and I said, 'A-E-I-O-U!'"
Later that day in 7th period biology, the teacher asked about bowels and Jessica raised her hand and recited the rest of the alphabet that she could remember...and sometimes "Y".
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Mother, Jugs & Speed?
"I've almost had my license taken away because I ran so many red lights. But it was worth it. Everybody was safe, I must add. I haven't killed anyone."
I have two words for you, Jessica: Lane Garrison.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
The time has come, gone and come back to its parents' home with a bag full of laundry and piles of credit card debt:
"I would love for the time to come when somebody can talk about me and not have to talk about Britney and Christina in the same sentence. We're really, really different."
Two people in that sentence have won Grammy Awards, sold millions upon millions of albums and unfortunately are considered pop icons. One person in that sentence dubiously starred in a movie 48 people went to see its opening day and had Bam Margera claim she was playing hide the Jackass sausage with him. We're not confused, you pea brain. You are.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
A toothbrush's worst nightmare sheds light on the shortcomings of her contemporaries.
"I think that freshness and that innocence is something that is missing from a lot of female singers. I'm certainly not denying that I'm young, but I'm not fluff."
Jessica has the "freshness" of a mildewed couch in a squatter's house, so it's true she's certainly not fluff. Fluff would disintegrate within five miles of her unwashed hair.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
John Mayer, Renaissance a-hole: singer, tweeter, believer.
"John believed in the Jessica Simpson that's within. He cherished our love. He helped make me the woman I am today."
Like a Yanni of tabloid starlet shaggers, John Mayer's healing love turned Jessica into a new woman. A woman of sexual mass destruction, a woman who carries her dog in a Louis Vuitton bag and a woman who can't read the size tag on her clothing.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
When looking for a feminist icon, I always turn to the first fake blonde starring in "The Dukes of Hazzard" movie I can find.
"It's important to make a stand for women's rights. If I can get up there and be any inspiration to women, I am blessed to have that opportunity."
Move over Susan B. Anthony, Gloria Steinam, Amelia Bloomer and Betty Friedan. Jessica Simpson is trying to crash your Feminist Party. Where's Secret Service and Desiree Rogers when you need them?
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Take in this observation from Jessica, a girl who makes 3rd tier beauty pageant contestants look chic:
"Fashion just comes naturally to me."
Sure it does. Fashion comes right over, pukes up last night's Taco Bell dinner on you and hops on a plane back to Paris, France where it belongs.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
To go along with not brushing her teeth, the Grizzly Adams of a straight-to-video career has more to share about her grooming habits:
"If I'm just in a hang-out mood, I won't even wash it. I'll wait until it smells."
John Mayer should pen a new song for Jessica. Something along the lines of "Your Body Is A Wonderland That Smells Like a Port-A-Potty"?
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Picasso thanking god he's already dead:
"My next husband will be an artistic man. It will show you the colors of my character, the person that I fall in love with next."
The colors of her character? Spackled on foundation in nude, hair extensions in bimbo blonde and whatever color "stupid" is in the Crayola box.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Would you file for divorce because you watched "The Notebook"? Jessica Simpson did.
"It was about that moment of desperation. I needed to breathe."
For someone of Jessica's I.Q., it should come as no surprise that life altering moments are brought to her by Nicholas Sparks or Dan Brown. I'm just shocked Lauren Conrad isn't on that list.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
With an application like this, it's hard to believe she hasn't been snatched up by some desperate loser on Match.com:
"To be my man, you have to put up with a lot. I toot under the sheets, I spend a lot of money and I can belch the ABC’s."
Her habits make her sound like an emotionally stunted frat boy getting ready to buy his mid-life crisis Porsche.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Reese will be pleased as Hawaiian punch to know she is Jess' career goal:
"I kinda want to be the Reese Witherspoon of the music industry -- the girl next door who wears a great dress and has great hair."
Always a day late and 7 brain cells short, how did she manage to leave out the words "great talent"? Silly me! Who needs that when you've got a glossy mane and a cute sundress!
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Tragedy can bring us together...
"After 9-11, I knew that I never ever wanted to be away from Nick ever for the rest of my life."
But, reality shows and members of Jackass can tear us apart.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Standing on principles in her outre UGG boots, Jessica continues to munch on a slice of delusional pie in the sky:
"I will never do nudity. I don't care how dark and intellectual the role could be, you know...I don't care if I frickin' could get an Oscar for it, I'm not going to do it. Those accolades mean nothing to me. I don't think people deserve to see what's under my clothing. That's only for my next husband-ha-ha-ha."
Just like me, I'm sure you're wondering when Jess learned the word "accolade".
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Rhodes scholar and high-waisted pants wearer Jessica Simpson chimes in on theology:
"I've been contemplating taking a college course in religion. I love religion. I remember whenever the book 'The Da Vinci Code' came out, the Discovery Channel did this three-night piece on it that I TiVoed and then watched eight times."
Let's all be honest here. The only college Jessica could actually be admitted to is one where Tom Hanks is teaching religion classes and Britney Spears is an English professor.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Forsooth, y'all! Like some sort of hillbilly Oracle at Delphi, Jess foresaw the new celebrity trend of receiving a baby at age 16:
"My father was a minister, so growing up we’d go on a missionary trip every summer. The first time I went to that orphanage I was 16 I remember holding this baby who was found in a dumpster. I wanted to adopt him right then and there. I was like, ‘Dad can I have him for my birthday, please?'"
Getting a baby for your birthday is the new black. Just ask Jamie-Lynn. Next season on "My Super Sweet Sixteen" all the cool girls will be getting one.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
What is the most offensive thing to leak out of Jessica's collagen-enhanced lips? Check it out:
"My next album is probably going to be with Willie Nelson. I’ve been wanting to do a country record, because its just my roots.I aspire to be Patsy Cline."
Patsy Cline is already dead. Why is she trying to kill her again?
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
As usual, Jessica finds her soul's depth at the bottom of a hair color bottle:
"I'm happy to be a brunette because it reflects who I am now."
Who you are right now? A girl who got dumped by a floppy haired douche singing "Your body is a wonderland..."? Oh Jess! Just date your father and get it over with!
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
About her stint in Daisy Duke's short shorts:
"I don't want people walking out of a movie thinking I was trying to act."
I think that's exactly why they walked out of your movie.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Jessica describes her gut-wrenching break with the church.
"I had very big boobs at a young age, and it kept me from of lot of things in the church. I couldn’t sing solos because supposedly the men lusted when I would get up there."
It's the stuff of a Nathanial Hawthorne novel. It's called wearing a big sweater, Jessica. Problem solved. Go in peace.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Freud. Jung. Simpson.
"I respect knowledge of the psyche. I would be a therapist if I weren't an entertainer."
But you're not an entertainer...
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Jessica Simpson attempts to sweep her loss for intelligent thought under the, like, really cute Ikea rug while introducing herself to U.S. Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton in December 2004:
"You've done a nice job decorating the White House."
Later that night, she saluted the Postmaster General and asked him to bring our boys home.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Relinquishing the dream of winning a Grammy:
"I want to be a diva...like people-totally-respect-my-music diva, not diva like carry-my-diet-Coke-around."
She'll have to settle for the lead in the porno "Ride of the Valkyries".
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Mensa alert! Upon running into Pamela Anderson recently, Jess was plum confused about that dang "Baywatch", y'all:
"How did you guys run so slowly in the show's opening scene? You know, where you're running down the beach? "
Pam was probably just keeping pace with David Hasselhoff.
Jessica Simpson Occupation: The Unmarried Sister
Longing to be slightly more than a candelabra...
"Musically, my dream is to do what Norah Jones did. I can't play the piano, but to sit next to it and just sing."
Translation: "My dream is to NOT do what Norah Jones did."
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