Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Are you there God? It's me, John Gotti wannabe.
"I want to pray for everybody, especially those who have done me grave wrong. For what they've done to me, they're gonna need all the prayers they can get."
Do you think Costco sells horses' heads by the half dozen? With Danielle's apparent financial state, she'll need the discount. Kumbaya my lord, kumbaya.
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Sex tape participant Danielle has her finger (don't touch it because you don't know where it's been!) on the pulse of the situation as usual:
"I believe the really only safe way to have sex is abstinence."
I agree. The safest way to have sex is to not have it at all...otherwise you might...be having sex.
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Danielle must have missed those episodes where she spent hours talking about the other housewives. That must have been the other Danielle. You know, the one who has to be begged by her daughters not to drive past the Manzos' party...
"The bottom line is, they need me, I don't need them. They don't talk about anything but me. I don't talk about them, at all. I talk about me too! I want to be me now. Not me according to other people. Me...a spin-off is absolutely, positively where I'm going."
If Danielle were a spin-off, she'd be "Hello, Larry".
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Not unless your life has been renamed "All My Delusions":
"I'm the Susan Lucci of reality TV."
Oh, please! In slingback heels, Erica Kane could kick your stripper ass all the way back to New Jersey in a one-shoulder turquoise soap opera cocktail dress without even removing her clip-on cubic zirconia earrings.
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Danielle claims to never talk about the other housewives, yet words about Teresa Giudice mysteriously placed their damned stinking paws in her mouth and clawed their way out:
"She needs a hairline revision. Planet of the Apes has nothing on her! She reminds me of Cornelius from Planet of the Apes. Could you imagine if her face is that hairy what her body hair must be like?"
Teresa needs to consult Jude Law about this hairline revision business. Expert at it that he is, his hairline appears to have revised itself so far backwards it now rings his kneecaps.
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Things Danielle doesn't appreciate: garbage, clowns, and...
"I just don't appreciate anyone talking about my private life in public."
How dare we talk about a reality star's life in public! We should only sit on our couches laughing about it in private.
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Someone by the name of Danielle needs to get an old TV Guide and a mirror that works. She did manage to throw some multisyllabic words in there, so maybe Danny bought her a Word-A-Day desktop calendar.
"Caroline, you are not Carmelo. You are not a Soprano. So stop sending out your little brilliant ones to make it look like you're not doing anything while you're sitting there on your proverbial throne judging. Get a life."
"Carmelo" isn't a Soprano, either...
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
I know you want us to ask so I guess I will. Are you a lesbian, Danielle?
"I want that question mark there. If I'm suggesting something, people pay attention. A long time ago, I realized the power of my fame and that my work on Bravo has given me a voice. Women are going to talk about me, why not use my fame for awareness."
Or, why not use your famewhoring infamy to exploit homosexuals and demean the struggles they go through? Yeah, I figured that would be the route your vile soul would choose.
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Even Tom Cruise might have to change his stance on psychiatric drugs when confronted with Danielle's "love and light":
"I have a good grasp on reality."
Upon hearing this, Heidi Montag laughed victoriously because now she isn't the most out-of-touch person on reality television. Well, she would laugh if she could still move her face. Since she can't, she mentally thought it with all the power those four brain cells of hers could muster.
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Danielle modestly tells us why her gag-inducing sex tape will outsell Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape:
"I haven't seen hers. I haven't seen mine either, but I do know I was in it, so if it's going to do anything I would hope mine would be better."
Sounds like Danielle is trying to bust out a can of spray tan whoop ass on Kendra. My money is on Kendra. She inadvertently brings a bunch of horny guys to this site and she wears all those athletic socks up to her knees. I think that means she's either living in 1978 with Linda Ronstadt or she is a roller derby queen in her spare time. Either way, she's taking down the bitch from Jersey no problem.
Danielle Staub Occupation: Carrying a mannequin head in a handbag
Guess what it sounds like when a nasty 48 year old woman picks on the EIGHT year old daughter of Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa:
"I don't know if Gia has what it takes. I'm not cutting on her. I'm just saying, she's not a supermodel. She's four foot tall."
Eileen Ford, oops, I mean Danielle Staub has spoken. Fuggedaboudit, baby! How did Gia not know she was supposed to be six feet tall by the time she reached first grade? Now she'll never get to go on the Supermodel Ride at the New Jersey State Fair.

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