Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
On wearing high heels while performing court-ordered community service:
"They're only two inches. It's actually much harder to do it in heels. I should actually get more hours for that."
She got that idea from a discarded opening scene from "Pretty Woman".
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Dr. Paris Hilton's sure-fire way to avoid the swine flu:
"I don't eat pork."
Funny, I thought she was videotaped deep throating sausage. Maybe it was turkey sausage.

Gobble gobble to The Food Network and their Forrest Gump obsession with turkey: TURKEY sausage, TURKEY meatloaf, TURKEY chili, TURKEY trifle, TURKEY cotton candy...
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Summer must haves: unemployment checks, foreclosures and...overpriced boats? Miss Sensitivity 2010 on her summer plans:
"Summer must have? A yacht. I'm going to St. Tropez, Monaco."
She makes you wish her "yacht" was the Titanic, doesn't she?
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Another nugget from Paris' brain. It's just the gift that keeps on giving. Like that "thing" she has a Valtrex prescription for...
"No, no, I didn't go to England; I went to London."
Can't we disown her as a country? New Zealand seems to be trouble-free at the moment. Can't they take her and stick her in a grassy pasture with all their sheep?
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
More to the point, is it hot?
"What is the Wall Street Journal? Is that good?"
Obviously, the Hilton fortune will be in capable hands with an overpriced manicure one day.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Not surprisingly, Paris does not understand the concept of inheritance:
"I don't want to be known as the Hilton heiress, because I didn't do anything for that."
She'd much rather be know as the Hilton tramp with the sex tape and a prescription for Valtrex. Gold star for you, Paris!
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Missing verses from Frank Zappa's classic "Valley Girl" song? Or just leftover footage from "The Tempestt Bledsoe Show"? You decide.
"All right, so I was out on Saturday. This girl looks at my boyfriend. She's like, 'Oh, are you a soccer player?' because he had a soccer shirt on. It pissed me off. I'm like, 'Get the hell away from him.' I pushed her and she fell on her ass on the floor. She sat there crying. She kept coming back like, 'I'm so sorry.' She kept trying to apologise. I'm like, 'Get away from me. Talk to the hand.' She was so desperate."
Yes, she actually said "talk to the hand"...in this decade. Maybe all her "homies" are 75 year old retirees in Boca who are "gettin' jiggy wit' it" while showing off their "bling bling" from Home Shopping Network. You go, girl! Woot! Woot!
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
In a moment ripped from the deleted scenes of a straight-to-video sequel of "Mean Girls", Paris Hilton proves herself unclear on the concept of embarrassment.
"One time, these annoying people came up to me, so I pretended to be on the phone -- and then it started ringing! It wasn't that embarrassing to me; it was more embarrassing for them."
Anyone going within five feet of Paris Hilton sans Hazmat suit shouldn't be embarrassed, they should be quarantined. That aside, Paris is physically unable to be embarrassed. Dignity, self-awareness, and good grace don't all fit in a sequined Hello Kitty clutch bag, after all.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
She's such a moron that medieval village idiots would kick her scrawny butt out of their guild:
"Whenever I write an e-mail, it doesn't mean anything. It is just words I write."
Similar thing happens to me. Whenever I send a cuneiform clay tablet to the relatives back in Sumer, it's just a bunch of characters I carve with a reed stylus. Sooo not hot.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
This statement is one whole career degree of separation from being a Drew Barrymore quote.
"I'm glad I got the partying out of my system when I was young, because now I'm so over it I can focus on my career."
I know "sexually transmitted disease" probably sounds like a lot of big words to Paris, but someone should finally explain to her that it's not a job title much less a career.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Confusing the concept of "lady" with "someone who inherits money", Paris just keeps on barfing out her trite platitudes:
"A true heiress is never mean to anyone-except a girl who steals your boyfriend."
That's what the trust fund attorneys told her anyway.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Sex tape aside...
"I'm not a sexual person, really. I don't really care about sex."
That's good because now sex doesn't have to feel so guilty for not liking you.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Assuming we are discussing "1 Night In Paris"?
"I don't care about that tape, it just reminds the world of what they can't have. "
Various STDs and eternal shame?
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
It's what you've always suspected:
"I don't really think, I just walk."
This is a lost line from the beginning scenes of "Pretty Woman".
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Paris pouts and stomps her Louboutins!
"I wanna have like a family and a guy. Y’know, it just upsets me because I'm not anything like what people say about me, and this cartoon character that they've made of me is just completely false. It makes me mad that I'm such a good person and I'm treated like that by some people, I just don't get it. "
They do say that herpes can cause memory loss...
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Another sign that the looming recession is hitting us all where it hurts:
"I can't walk the streets. It's too embarrassing. I don't want to go out anymore. I don't want to party."
If she can't walk the streets, how will her pimp afford his Cadillac payment?
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
From the wasteland that is Paris' daily routine:
"I like to see myself in magazines looking good. I don’t read anything – I just get them to look at my outfits. I want to see if I look cute or not. I’m too lazy. I only flip through and look at me. I’m not interested in anyone else."
Finding a cute photo of Paris in a magazine is akin to looking for The Loch Ness Monster. Rumors of it abound, but no one has yet to see it materialize. Photoshopping is indeed optional if eternal waiting is too tiresome.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
In an effort to gross out more of the world, Paris offers up this:
"I want to have two children - a boy called London and a girl named China."
Since she seems to want to name her kids after places where she will be creating them, may I suggest "In Front of Camcorder" and "Girls Bathroom at Hyde" as possibilities as well?
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Regarding her sentence for violating probation:
"I feel that I was treated unfairly and that the sentence is both cruel and unwarranted. I don't deserve this."
Ok, seriously now... who taught Paris how to correctly use the word "unwarranted"?
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
What do you think of Tony Blair, Paris a.k.a. political science brain trust?
"Who? Oh yeah... he's like your president? I don't know what he looks like."
Just another ditty from Lobotomies of the Rich and Famous.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Chatting to the Los Angeles police about schlocky boob pimp Joe Francis' home robbery:
"Like I really . . . I don't remember. I'm not like that smart."
Like, we know.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Paris talking about her sister Nicky:
"Nicky and I are different in this crucial way: She's better at shopping than I am."
But you're better at collecting STDs than she is, so it all evens out.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Finally, Paris puts her undue fame in perspective for all of us.
"There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde - like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana - and right now, I'm that icon."
C'mon now. If she didn't think that highly of herself, who would?
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
In an attempt to stay relevant, Paris develops stalkers for herself:
"I've had a lot of stalker incidents, and I usually can handle them, but the scariest one was when a guy turned up at my dad's office and said he was my fiancé. "
Liar, liar, STD-infested thong on fire. Unless he is forced by his Greek shipping mogul parental figures, no guy would admit to being Paris' fiance. Sorry!
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
This is just not boding well for the future of Earth.
"People think I'm stupid. But I'm smarter than most people. "
Sure, if 'most people' means Nicole Richie and the brothers from Good Charolette.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
The tramp doth protest too much!
"I'm so smart now. Everyone is always like, 'Take your top off.' Sorry, no! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid."
Cuz yeah, like if they soooo want the money shot, they're gonna totally hafta bust out the AMEX for her sex tape.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
On the topic of Charlize Theron...
"My acting coach told me I have a similar style of acting to her so we may end up vying for the same parts."
Proving that acting coaches, much like juries, can be bought.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Paris gets spiritual:
"Kabbalah helps you confront your fears. Like if a girl borrowed my clothes and never gave them back, and I saw her wearing them months later, I would confront her."
Forget Kabbalah! For the love of Madonna, alert the CDC that Paris is lending out her clothes!
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Paris Hilton hates British people.
"All British people have plain names, and that works pretty well over there. "
I answered my own question. Yes, this is why people in other countries think we are stupid.
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Said to romance hack Jackie Collins...
"If I could read a book, I'd definitely read one of yours."
Aim high, Paris! Aim high!
Paris Hilton Occupation: Unknown
Give me a word, any word, and I show you that the root of that word is Greek.
"It is like a weird Greek name. Like Douglas."
Paris is come from the Greek word trollop, is mean whore. So, what do you ride in sex tape? A Paris. You see: Paris, trollop. There you go!

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