Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Never doubt that Avril still has it in her to embarrass Canada:
"I got some spatulas with skulls on them and some fun stuff for my kitchen."
Are the Hot Topic skulls a foreshadowing of the meal her dinner guests are about to receive?
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
A sad, lonely parade of one:
"When I was like six, I had this little plastic flute thingy and I liked to march through the house blowing it. I was a good blower."
A good blower, huh? You knew her little snotty mouth had to be good for something other than making ignorant proclamations about music.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Why, oh why, couldn't it be permanent?
"He stuck a camera down my throat....ewwww, I gagged!!! It was kinda funny though.....he said I have 'Acute Laryngitis'."
Gagged on a camera down her throat? Well, that explains why her marriage didn't last very long...
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
I'm sure all of Canada is waiting with bated arctic breath to see your cinematic debut (which is pronounced "dey-boo" in Canada and I know this because I saw it on "Degrassi").
"I can't do a Mandy Moore kind of movie, a chick fick. I have to do like a 'Girl, Interrupted'. I have to take my time and make the right choices."
If one movie was certainly not a chick flick, it would be "Girl, Interrupted". It was all about chicks (and yes, that includes Jared Leto) whining about their problems and based on the memoirs of a chick whining about her problems and loved by a bunch of chicks who love whining about their own problems. Total dude film...if your name is...wait for it...Jared Leto. Thank you.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
This is what happens when you learn philosophy from Benetton ads:
"As humans we speak one language..."
If assy Avril and I are supposed to speak the same language because we are both human, I'd like to switch my mammalian class to otter A.S.A.P.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Anne Murray's Canadian alter ego in hard rockin' musical notes wants you to know: SHE CAN ROCK YOUR IPOD.
"'Sk8er Boi' is one of the most hardest, rawest songs ever made. A lot of girls wish they could jam on the guitar like I could, but they can't!"
Poor Lita Ford, Nancy Wilson and Joan Jett. If only they could strum that gee-tar with the ferocity of a skinny tie wearing mall rat. You can't outrock AVRIL LAVIGNE! If Robert Johnson had heard Avril jamming on 'Sk8r Boi', he wouldn't have bothered selling his soul to the Devil to play guitar. He would have curled up in the fetal position in pain and optioned his soul to play the bassoon instead.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
More dyed blonde hair on dyed blonde hair violence! Avril throws down to Hillary Duff:
"You're such a goody-goody, and if you won't shut your mouth I will shut it for you!"
You'd better be careful, Hillary! There are a lot of things at Hot Topic she can use to shut your mouth. Ummmm, like Team Jacob t-shirts, skull and crossbones lighters, and stickers for disbanded punk bands she's never heard of and can't pronounce the names of yet.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Finally, an honest character assessment from a celebrity:
"My butt-crack showing is like my trademark. I wear my pants loose, and lately Ive been so busy Ive lost a few pounds. My ass-crack is always showing!"
Her plumber's butt-crack would be her trademark. She's like the clogged drain of pop music.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Hot Topic's Candian version of Jo Polniaczek is deeper than you thought:
"I might look like a tough chick - and I am - but I`m also a hopeless romantic inside."
You'd better check yo self, eh! She might spray you with Proactive if you piss her off. At least she'll send you a Hallmark Shoebox card afterwards, though.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
She's that hoser (sorry, I had to!) the bouncer warned you about:
"When I go to a party, I am the party! I'm the girl doing shots, jumping on tables, screaming and getting wasted. Am I advocating drugs? No! When I say get wasted, that doesn't mean go crazy. Drink in moderation. Be responsible, yeah?"
Life is still like one big high school keg party to her. She probably orders fuzzy navels when she goes out, eh?
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Music history aficionado/burgeoning Meryl Streep on playing Courtney Love on the big screen...
"Courtney is really nice and a great mum. It would be an honour to play her. I've been looking for a feisty role that suits my personality, and I think this is the one."
Avril has nailed the gentler, milk-and-cookies side of a microphone stand-wielding mom whose own daughter has a restraining order against her. Punk just woke up and died again.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Yet another music genius I.Q. bon mot from the Pride of Canada:
"Who are Duran Duran? Are they a new band?"
They say that those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it. Does this mean Avril might one day do her own cover of Arcadia's "Election Day"?
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
The poster girl for Hot Topic weighs in on her unique fashion sense:
"I have my own style that happens to be different from everyone else in Hollywood. My inspiration is me."
It might just be me, but I think her inspiration smells like cheap Canadian clothing, Ron Rico rum and bad pop music spit.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Rebel without an Ambien speaks!
"Sometimes I just stay up and go, 'Hey, I'm not going to sleep tonight.'"
The guilt of foisting her music upon the world is finally taking it's toll.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Avril explains why she can't do a photo-op for more than a minute:
"My mouth hurts and this feels weird."
Smiling is serious business. Notice I took the high road and didn't say anything "blue"? I'm classy like that.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
A day without a stupid Avril quote is like a day without skin cancer causing sunshine!
"It's important to be thankful, even if you're poor. I mean, come on, we all have clean water — well, OK, not people in the developing world."
Hey poor people of the developing world! You better be thankful like Avril sez or she's gonna kick your butts with her Hot Topic boots. Who the hell do you think you are needing clean water anyway??? Just rock out to some of her tunage and you'll be all like, "Cholera what! Avril rawks!"
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
The punk-eh (that's because she's Canadian--get it? I'm bored.) princess provides insightful commentary on her celebrity:
"I'm getting more famouser by the day."
And "more stoooopider" as well! Yay!
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
The 'punk' who never heard of David Bowie boasts of her generosity:
"I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing [in New Orleans] happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, 'Take it to Katrina!'"
I didn't know hurricanes had a mailing address.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Having taken her daily dose of self-delusion:
"I want people to watch my video and not be staring at my girl parts but to be listening to my lyrics, and hearing what I have to say, and watching me rock out on my guitar."
I so want Anne Murray to kick her scrawny ass.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
La Vicious confesses the true horror of the artistic process she endures to create her angst-ridden music.
"I was eating bad stuff. Lots of sugar and carbs, junk food all the time. It makes you very irritated."
If she were eating something more musically nourishing like, say, cocaine, maybe they'd let her leave Canada to make music again.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Taking a sideswipe at America's favorite folliclely-challenged pop tart:
"I've had to work with a choreographer [recently] but I'm actually quite athletic and I have good rhythm so it comes natural to me. It made me appreciate people like Britney Spears, as I realize how much work goes into that stuff. The whole thing where you sing and dance is so hard, so that's probably why she doesn't sing, right, ha ha!"
So what explains why Avril can't sing?
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
About the war in Iraq...
"I don't believe war is a way to solve problems. I think it's wrong, I don't have respect for the people that made the decisions to go on with war. I don't have that much respect for (U.S. President George) Bush. He's about war, I'm not about war -- a lot of people aren't about war.I know there's issues in Iraq. I'm not really a political person. It's hard for me to talk about the war. I don't really know what to say but I can say that I'm really proud that our Prime Minister didn't ... fight, backed out from it."
It's always best to publicly assert an opinion on an issue on which you have self-proclaimed your ignorance. Learning and research just get in the way of good things like spitting on the paparazzi or shopping for ties for your tank top.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
On mispronouncing David Bowie's name at the Grammys:
"Did people think that was bad? What's the big deal? I was born in 1984--why would I know who he is? My parents didn't bring me up listening to him. Besides, people mispronounce my name all the time."
Anne Murray, oops I mean Avril Lavigne, there is this new invention called "history". You should try checking it out sometime.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Whines the self-proclaimed "Sid Vicious for the new generation":
"People are like, 'Well, she doesn't know the Sex Pistols.' Why would I know that stuff? Look how young I am. That stuff's old, right?”"
I guess in Avril's mind, 'punk' is Spike from Degrassi High.
Avril Lavigne Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
On the eighth day, Avril created delusions:
"I created Punk for this day and age. Do you see Britney walking around wearing ties and singing punk? Hell no. That's what I do. I'm like a Sid Vicious for a new generation."
Sid was also an idiot, but at least he wouldn't have spelled the word "boy" b-o-i.

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