John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
The Charlie Sheen prototype. Seems like it took a few tries before scientists got the right mixture of Tiger Blood, Baby Boomer jams and winning. How V-E-R-Y...
"My two biggest hits are 'Your Body Is a Wonderland' and 'Daughters.' If you think those songs are pandering, then you'll think I'm a douche bag. It's like I come on very strong. I am a very...I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me."
Absolutely no one even likes you, but maybe Chuck Lorre will be willing to overlook that and hire you to play Charlie Sheen's replacement cousin on "Two and a Half Men". It'll be like that one season of "The Dukes of Hazzard" with Coy and Vance Duke!
- 03.29.2011 | 10:31 am
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John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
Another reason Jennifer Aniston should hoist a margarita in the air and dance on tables for getting Mr. Blockhead out of her life:
"For a long time I was asking, 'What's wrong with me?' I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on therapy for people to say, 'Nothing is wrong.' I had seen splitting up with her as akin to burning an American flag. Do you know what I mean? I considered myself a villain."
Hundreds of dollars??? Who was his therapist? Lucy from "Peanuts"?
- 01.07.2011 | 3:03 pm
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John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
He's turning into the Wilmer Valderrama of music, isn't he?
"All I want to do now is f*ck the girls I've already f*cked, because I can't fathom explaining myself to somebody who can't believe I'd be interested in them and they're going, 'But you're John Mayer!'"
Legally, it would be best for you not to screw anyone who is impressed with your attention, John. I think they are all either naive 14 year olds living with their parents or comatose 89 year olds living on life support.
- 08.30.2010 | 3:55 pm
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John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
Now we know why he has that annoying hair. He's hoping to morph into a lap dog with digestive problems:
"Isn't it weird that some small pets make doo doos that look just like the food they eat? I wish I had that talent. Put it back together just the way you found it--- incredible."
You already have the talent to make that kind of doo doo, John. It's called "whatever songs you put on your next album".
- 05.16.2010 | 7:17 pm
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John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
The conductor at Conjunction Junction on what supposedly makes little John perk up:
"Ladies, if you want to know the way to my heart...good spelling and good grammar, good punctuation, capitalize only where you are supposed to capitalize, it`s done."
I guess Sexual Napalm didn't need to meet these requirements. Sexual Napalm just needed big boobs, cheap hair and hurricane gale winds blowing between her ears.
- 05.11.2010 | 4:06 pm
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John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
The Henry Miller of downloadable porn and vomit-inducing music on his ever growing list of "talents":
"When I watch porn, if it's not hot enough, I'll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography."
I didn't realize it was one of my biggest dreams for John to write porn until I realized this new career might stop him from writing music. Win for him, triple win for me!
- 05.10.2010 | 1:54 pm
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John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
If you could do anything by the time you were 32 John, what would that be?
"Here's what I really want to do at 32: fuck a girl and then, as she's sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she's like, 'What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you're making me a spinach omelet? You are the shit!'"
Five vaginal orgasms? Unless your name is Mr. Henderson and you teach Health class at Dorkface High School, why would you call it that? He doesn't actually really get laid, does he?
- 05.07.2010 | 8:27 pm
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John Mayer
Occupation: A lost member of Air Supply
Pee-head is too good for covers:
"You want me to play a Dave Matthews song? You know, that's just like getting someone else's mail. It's like if I go to the mailbox and pull out a letter addressed to Dave Matthews and think 'No, that's not for me', and put it back in. Next time you go to a Dave Matthews show why don't you request some John Mayer?"
Someone should alert the post office that John Mayer is opening every one else's "mail" but Dave Matthews'. Partial list of covers by John Mayer: The Wind Cries Mary by Jimi Hendrix, Route 66 by Nat King Cole, Patience by Guns N' Roses, No Woman No Cry by Bob Marley, and Message In A Bottle by The Police. Oh wait, he got into Dave's "mail" too because he did a cover of Lover Lay Down by Dave Matthews Band.
- 05.05.2010 | 2:21 pm
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