Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Slim Jim of the Hamptons has this to say about Ramona Singer:
"You don’t unwind. You unravel."
So says the human yarn ball, mind you...
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Kelly "I graduated from college with a degree in Literature" Bensimon delivers another of her Dorothy Parker-worthy withering put-downs to Alex:
"I gotta, I gotta, I’m gonna, I’m gonna be really raw with you. Your weird. You are so weird. And not nice, you’re not a nice person. You're just not."
This reminds me of a note you'd get passed to you in fourth grade by the annoying girl at the front of the class who has no friends and is carrying a dog-eared copy of "Superfudge".
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Oh, I've missed her. There hasn't been a unicorn or a leathery witch on a broomstick flying past my window since "The Real Housewives of New York City" finished its season.
"Why do we have to be all flowers and lollipops. Why can't it be like fighting but we are actually learning. That's called back-door education."
And here I was thinking back-door education had something to do with Victorian erotica set at an all boys English boarding school...
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Only The Swedish Chef from "The Muppets" is a chef because chef is part of his name:
"You're not a chef, you're a cook, and it's creepy."
People who cook food are only creepy to those of the population solely existing on a fermented-in-a-barrel liquid diet.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Kelly pitches another of her witty bon mots at Ramona. She throws like such a girl.
"Your blood type is pinot grigio."
What a Dorothy Parker, but stupider, sunburned and witless! So, not so much Ms. Parker as perhaps Parker Stevenson on "Baywatch"? Probably the only thing Dorothy and Kelly have in common is knocking back hooch...and how! Time for me to 23 Skidoo with my satchels of gold before Kelly tells me to ZIP IT.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Someone missed the "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" billboards. Maybe her brain was on the fritz from overexposure to tanning beds.
"PETA isn't saying don't wear fur. They're saying don't abuse animals and so I'm not abusing animals. I'm just wearing a fur."
She's not personally abusing animals. She's letting other people do it for her.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Perfect is in the eye of the future melanoma patient beholder:
"See when I'm able to speak, it's perfect."
Here, try on this fabulous white canvas jacket. Yeah, it's supposed to tie in the back like that. Frances Farmer used to wear them all the time. Ooh la la! Chic!
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Theophrastus of the Hamptons pries opens her chapped lips to say:
"Hate is part of the eco system."
I usually skipped bio class so who knows. Maybe it is. Frogs, algae, satchels of gold, hate. Kelly graduated from Columbia University of General Studies so she knows things, special secret things. It's just she speaks like a schizophrenic off their meds so you can't understand her.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your fried hair!
"But I was kinda like Rapunzel, y'know I was kinda like stuck in the castle like...in the Hamptons. I wanna be Robin, y'know, to a Batman, y'know."
She wants to be someone's gay sidekick in a yellow cape? The Hamptons would be an excellent location for that.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
How does Kelly bring Alex's sexy back while photographing her? Ummm, how about telling Alex to picture her little son while she vixen struts down the beach?
"Johann. Johann face, Alex. Johann. Baby face. Soft face. Oh my god, that's it! That is so hot!"
I don't remember the guy with the comb over at the Sears Photography Studio yelling "Johann face" at me when I was three, but I guess that's the difference between Kelly and everyone else. She's up here and we're down here sitting on a shag carpeted box at the Sears & Roebuck.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Kooky Kelly and Bethenny don't share the same area code:
"You live in a horror movie and I live in Disneyland."
If that's the case, Mickey Mouse's house is no longer the happiest place on Earth. A case of melanoma and a straightjacket come with every E ticket ride, though! Yet even with incentives like that, I'd still rather visit a Kelly-free Busch Gardens.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
There's a land that I see where Kelly doesn't exist and I say it ain't far to this land from where we are...
"Oh my god. This is Free To Be You and Me 1979."
This coming from a woman who dresses like Jimmy Carter is still in office. If it were 1979, McDonald's french fries would still taste good, no one could tell me how much salt I could ingest and I wouldn't know your overtanned face from a cheap leather hobo bag sold from a vendor in Times Square.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
The "I Had A Non-Nervous Breakdown Aboard A Luxury Yacht" press junket sails on like the Titanic heading for an iceberg:
"And people have been asking me about how I kept saying, 'feelings, 1979': I say that because the women are so unpredictable that I'm not going to sit there and empathize with feelings when a minute later they're going to lash out at me about something else. In some ways, I'm almost too real."
Kelly From The Block is just too real for the rest of us. Satchels of gold, homegirl!
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Kelly is the Euripides of overbaked reality television vixens, just weaving her tales of Bethenney Frankel tragedy with such style:
"She tries to literally claw your eyes out because she's like, 'You know what? You're not all that.' And I'm like, 'Well then what am I? I don't have Double-D fake tits like you in my face, no, I'm not all that.' There's like knives on her tongue. I can't even imagine Jason kissing her because she's like filled with knives!"
You'd think having knives on your tongue would be an asset as a chef. You could break down a whole chicken with a knife in your hand and chiffonade basil with your tongue. Bam! You would indeed be all that then.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Brother, can you spare a Versace dress in size too short?
"In these times when banks are closing and people are freaking out and nobody has any money and people are putting money underneath their mattresses, maybe I can lean down a little bit and donate clothes to people who really need it."
She's like some sort of unhinged hybrid between Mother Teresa, Jim Cramer and a tanning bed full of Slim Jims.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
You'd better watch out, Kelly! You know how menacing a maxi dress wearing pregnant "cook" pouring Skinny Girl margaritas can be.
"I was having nightmares. I have been, I threw up, but I was, I threw up the night before I came thinking Bethenny was trying to frickin' kill me becuse she tried to kill me so many times before."
Make sure to tune into the new Bravo series "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?" starring Kelly Bensimon and Bethenny Frankel, premiering right after new episodes of "Real Housewives of Little Rock Trailer Parks" and "Remember When We Used to Actually Show Intelligent Programming?"! Check your local listings for times.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
You say this sort of thing when the mirror only reaches up to your chin:
"I've never worn anything ugly."
Except your face.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
What is the sane response to being told no one knows what you are talking about? Why it is...
"Okay satchels of gold!"
"Silver and gold, silver and gold!" Think about it. The cast of New York Real Housewives could be characters in the Rankin/Bass "Rudolph" special. Crazy eyed Ramona is Clarice the doe, Simon is Hermy the Misfit elf, LuAnn is Sam the Snowman, Bethenny is A Dolly For Sue, Jill is The Bumble, Alex is the Spotted Elephant, Sonja is Mrs. Claus and obviously by her quote Kelly is the gold prospector Yukon Cornelius.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Super genius Kelly thinks Bethenny imitating Jack Nicholson's line from "A Few Good Men" of "You can't handle the truth" was taken from a certain African-American activist's book of witticisms:
"Oh my god! Al Sharpton! Al Sharpton! No! Put your hair up, it's Al Sharpton!"
Maybe Kelly "not-name-dropping-at-all" Bensimon's "friend" Gwyneth Paltrow should get her a Netflix account so she can be up-to-date on Academy Award nominated movies with a line even your grandmother knows.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
What other people "down here" might call making a mountain out of a molehill, Kelly "up here" Bensimon attempts to defend Jill Zarin by evoking frozen Minute Maid:
"You guys are just making lemonade out of lemons!"
Attention all undecided college bound students! Kelly graduated from Columbia University. Apparently, the exorbitant cost of an Ivy League education buys one an inability to use idioms correctly. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make lemonade out of a leather-skinned elitist molehill.
Kelly Bensimon Occupation: Beef jerky drying in the Hamptons
Skinny Girl called her inauthentic apparently:
"Honestly, if being inauthentic means graduating from Columbia University, writing three books, starting two magazines, bearing two children, being the ambassador for wool, running a marathon for charity -- if that's inauthentic? Tell me what authentic is."
Well, as long as she is ambassador for wool, that settles it for me. Wool diplomats are notorious for their authenticity.

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