Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
Did she really say this? I mean, honestly. No one has their head stuck this far up their own ass, not even the minus IQ Kardashian.
"We decided to film for the wedding. And that was a decision that he and I made together. But I think that, with any decisions in life, like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel."
Cancer. Reality show wedding. El same-o, same-o. In the next election, I think there should be a section where we as a country get to vote on whether to give Kim chemo treatments since it's sooooooo, like, exactly how she feels.
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
In a very special episode of her blog, Kim K discusses an issue close to the hearts of today's youth. It's starting to feel very Judy Blume-y without the IQ in here.
"It seems that shows like Teen Mom are all of a sudden making teen pregnancy seem cool in the eyes of young girls. The kids from these shows are all over the news, even on the covers of magazines, and have been become almost like celebrities, but girls, these are not people you should idolize!"
You should only idolize people who get famous banging Brandy's brother in a sex tape.
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
Oh the sacrifice! Kim is a giver and you can't take that away from her!
"I've decided to sacrifice my digital life to help give real life to millions of people affected by HIV and AIDS in Africa and India. It's true, I'm a little obsessed with Twitter, but I'm even more obsessed with fighting AIDS."
You can tell how obsessed she is by how much of her multi-million dollar fortune she has forked over to AIDS, I mean, the Louis Vuitton boutique and the Rolls Royce dealership.
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
Now what will the makers of skin-tight spandex dresses that hug your ass do??? I guess they'll just have to keep selling clothes to strippers.
"I think my sense of style is evolving. I'm figuring out ways to be sexy without having to flaunt it."
Her sense of style evolves from trashy to classy at the same leisurely rate dinosaurs evolved into chickens.
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
The yellow brick road to fame is paved with Ray J sex tapes...
"We never say the word 'famous' or 'celebrity'. It makes all of us feel uncomfortable."
Uncomfortable? No. How about it makes two out of three of you feel stupid because Khloe is the only one who can handle the burden of multisyllabic words?
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
Self-involved musings from our Lady of Butt:
"Is it weird that I'm now the single one? It's definitely a change for me. I have always been the one in a relationship."
In other words, to translate Kim's passive-aggressive quote, how is it that I'm so much hotter than my unattractive sisters, but I'm the one without a boyfriend?
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
Kim defends Jessica Simpson:
"LEAVE HER ALONE!!! She is so drop dead gorgeous, and the fact that the media is sending this message out to young girls is mind blowing!"
She's right. The message the media should be sending out to young girls is that if you make a sex tape with a loser then you should get multiple reality show deals. Oh wait. That's the one they're already sending out.
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
The human pet rock has this to say about THE WORST THING ON THE PLANET EVER:
"I hate when women wear the wrong foundation colour, it might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their make up too light."
Starving children and dying cancer patients will be surprised to find their plights don't hold a candle to the wrong shade of L'Oreal liquid foundation. Thanks for always reminding us of what's important in life, Kim!
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
Montana Fishburne's role model tells us to forget about the little old sex tape that made her famous. Why dwell on it when your mother can capitalize on it?
"Not my most proud moment, it was humiliating. But now let's move on..."
...to my fragrance, shoe, athletic jersey, canned creamed corn, sugar-free bubblegum and depilatory products lines.
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
Are you there God? It's Me, Kim Kardashian.
"I swear, I would say my prayers at night hoping that I would stop developing."
OMG! It totally sucks when that last prayer of the night goes straight to your bra size! It might seem like the man upstairs wasn't listening to young Miss Kardashian, but her mental development seems to have stopped around age 13, so I think it's pretty safe to say he answered her prayers anyway.
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
This must have been one of those years Khloe and Kourtney had Valentine's dates and Kim didn't...
"It doesn't matter if you have a valentine or not -- just love yourself and be your own."
If Kim had shared this revolutionary new approach to self-Valentining, maybe Charlie Brown wouldn't have cried into his mailbox so much upon realizing that he had received no Valentine from the Little Red Haired Girl....You're a blockhead, Kim Kardashian!
Kim Kardashian Occupation: Bringing up the rear
When a rescue worker tried to tell Kim to get off her cell phone and stop blocking traffic, the third rate porn star speaks from her cold, black heart
"I know, but don't touch my car."
Kim, stop breathing our air. Now

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