Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
In her quest to provide this site with material every time she opens her mouth, grouchy Jessica opines:
"My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything---even if you have no clue what you're doing."
One glance at your attempts at "acting" and you know that theory doesn't hold any water.
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
Keep in mind, this dramatic epiphany came on the set of "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer":
"The director was like, 'It looks too real. It looks too painful. Can you be prettier when you cry? Cry pretty, Jessica.' He was like, 'Don't do that thing with your face. Just make it flat. We can CGI the tears in.' I'm like, 'But there's no connection to a human being.' And then it all got me thinking: Am I not good enough? Are my instincts and my emotions not good enough? Do people hate them so much that they don't want me to be a person? Am I not allowed to be a person in my work? And so I just said, 'Fuck it. I don't care about this business anymore.'"
Are you good enough? No.

Are your instincts and emotions good enough? No.

Are you allowed to be a person in your "work"? No, please.

Fuck it. Will you go away and stop pretending you are an actress now because the public doesn't care about you, either?
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
When you're not "in the biz", you don't know these things. Thank god we have thespian extraordinaire to enlighten us!
"Good actors, never use the script unless it's amazing writing. All the good actors I've worked with, they all say whatever they want to say."
All the good actors she's worked with? She must be talking about Gavin MacLeod and Fred Grandy when she played Layla on "Love Boat: The Next Wave". Afterall, The Love Boat promises something for everyone while being an open smile on a friendly shore.
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
Is Jessica's friend Jared Leto? We can only hope.
"A friend of mine is a rock star and he wears eyeliner on stage and it looks good on him but, generally, guys should probably stay away from make-up. If my husband went near my liner, I'd kill him!"
What's OK for a run-of-the-mill rock star does not marital bliss for Jessica Alba make. If she'd go this crazy over a little eyeliner, it boggles the mind what she'd do if her husband started trying on her nighties.
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
Another Doubting Jessica wanders from the Lord's flock.
"One of the reasons why I chose not to be a devout Christian is because a lot of people gave me a lot of grief for just being a woman and made me feel ashamed for having a body because it tempted men. I didn't understand what that meant because I was like, 'God created this . . .' That was a hard time in my life."
Seems like the good Lord is throwing bodacious babes out of his congregation left and right. First Jessica Simpson's boobies were barring her from a spot on the church choir. Now Jessica Alba's sexy has been asked to remove itself to the cry room. By 2012, churches everywhere will be filled to capacity with devout female fatties named Ethel.
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
Patron Saint of Stuck-Up Starlets offers her homily on filming the masterpiece "Good Luck Chuck":
"It's porn. There were all these actresses who got conned into being completely naked. Some were strippers, probably. But every day when I was done, I ran away. I was like, "Bye". As long as they didn't disrespect me, I could give a rat's butt."
Shame on those naked women in Jessica's crappy movie! They had no idea the director was going to make them take their clothes off! He had to con them with the glorious opportunity to breathe the same air as the unblemished specimen of feminist morality which is Jessica Alba.
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
This is why Jessica is an actress and not a writer of Renaissance political treatises:
"The secret to using power is not to use it. Just having it is enough. "
No, the best thing to do with power is to put it in a Louis Vuitton dog carrier and take it to Starbucks with you.
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
Another in a long line of C-list actors who take themselves seriously:
"Thank you to the fans. I do movies for you. Practice safe sex and drive hybrids if you can."
Trojan and Toyota thank you for your support. xoxoxo J.Alba

P.S. I sooo totally don't make movies for the money.
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
In the event you missed your daily dose of racism and misogyny -
"I've got cousins galore. Mexicans just spread all their seeds and the women just pop them out."
Ok, seriously, wtf?

Thanks again to Precious for the find!
Jessica Alba Occupation: Serious actress in a string bikini
The world's bitchiest starlet chimes in with a self-delusional take on her career:
"Contrary to how people may feel, I've never used my sexuality. That's not part of it for me."
She just lets other people use her sexuality.

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