Someone got hit in the big head with self-awareness:
"I'VE DECIDED TO FALL BACK A BIT ON INTERVIEWS IN ORDER TO 'SELL MY ALBUM'. I CAN'T COME UP WITH SOME MAGIC TRICK TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE ME."
Maybe he should contact Charlie Sheen about that magic trick. He is a warlock afterall. Some tiger blood, a little anti-Semitism and some porn goddess STDs are working wonders for Charlie's "career". Well, at least amongst train wreck watchers and possessors of low IQs.
Seems like someone got a free lifetime subscription to Goop...
"I LOVE COLDPLAY, AND I HONESTLY THINK THEY ARE ON THE SAME LEVEL AS THE BEATLES. IN 30 YEARS, WHEN COLDPLAY ARE OLD MEN, PEOPLE WILL LOOK BACK AND SAY, 'THESE GUYS WERE MORE TALENTED THAN THE BEATLES.'"
No one will say that, Kanye. Not even Apple Paltrow-Martin. Maybe Gwyneth's bff Madonna will say it when she is a senile old bat in a leotard and fingerless lace gloves playing shuffleboard to "Yellow", but that's it.
This is where Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" actually meant to go when she clicked those ruby slippers:
"I WON'T GO INTO A BIG SPIEL ABOUT REINCARNATION, BUT THE FIRST TIME I WAS IN THE GUCCI STORE IN CHICAGO WAS THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER FELT TO HOME."
Other people like to imagine they were a king or queen in a past life. Not so for our Kanye. He apparently likes to think he was a 1980s Gucci purse made of pebbled leather ornamented with the interlocking G pattern and goldtone hardware.
Did Gwyneth promise him she'd never write another Goop post if he said this? Or has the "caps lock" finally done him in?
"I HAVE WORKED WITH CHRIS MARTIN AND THE MAN IS A GENIUS. AS A PERFORMER AND A SONGWRITER HE IS ON THE SAME LEVEL AS JOHN LENNON. I AM NOT SAYING THIS SORT OF SHIT LIGHTLY, IT'S REALLY HOW TALENTED THE GUY IS. AND COLDPLAY CAN GO DOWN AS THE BEST EVER, EVEN BIGGER THAN THE BEATLES."
To be fair, Kanye wore those stupid white shutter shades for a tad too long. I think only receiving slats of sunshine on a regular basis might have damaged his ability to process rational thought.
Just when you think he's run out of steam, another Kanye nugget is always to be found hiding on the internet:
"I DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO RAP. MY APARTMENT IS TOO NICE TO LISTEN TO RAP IN. I HAVE TO BE IN A WAY MORE GRIMEY ENVIRONMENT TO TURN ANY RAP MUSIC ON."
Obviously the chintz cushions on his wicker furniture collection are wearing the pants in the Kanye West household. They will only listen to Yo-Yo Ma and, when they're feeling a bit coquettish, a little Kenny G hits the spot...if you know what I mean...and you know you do.
Have you noticed that God's been choosing a multitude of vessels lately and that they're all dillholes living in Los Angeles?
"GOD CHOSE ME. HE MADE A PATH FOR ME. I AM GOD'S VESSEL. BUT MY GREATEST PAIN IN LIFE IS THAT I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SEE MYSELF PERFORM LIVE."
Why do I know this and Kanye doesn't? Morris Day watched himself perform live by having Jerome Benton bring him a mirror on stage. Couldn't Kanye get that stupid blonde chick he takes on vacation to hold a mirror for him, too? Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh...
I think Kanye's colic is acting up again or maybe it's his nap time:
"IF I DON'T WIN ALBUM OF THE YEAR, I'M GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT...I SAID I WAS THE FACE OF THE GRAMMYS LAST YEAR. THIS YEAR I'M 10 TIMES THAT!"
That's right! If his face isn't the size of a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon at the Grammys, he's going to tell all his other full of hot air cartoon balloon friends like Snoopy and Elmo to stay home.
Ahem. I think KANYE has something he'd like to tell the class.
"I HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SHOW DUMB ASS, IT'S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS!"
KANYE's show ain't no Survivor concert, baby! We're talking high tech light show gear all the way. Just that flat screen Lite Brite alone costs $17.99 at Amazon, and that's not counting the refill papers! That's another $15.99 outta KANYE's wallet and you go hate on it like that?!! All y'all squid brains need to drink your Haterade at the Pink Floyd Laser Light Show instead.
Dear Mr. West, Porn appreciates your interest in its existence. At this present time however, the position has already been filled and your regard is not required. Thank you for interest in Porn. Should something change, Porn will get back to you in a timely manner.
The Ralph Nadar of useless award shows alerts you, the consumer, of Pop Injustice!
"BRITNEY SPEARS OVER RIHANNA? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I MEAN FUCKING JARED LETO? HE'S MY BOY BUT HE SHOULDN'T HAVE WON OVER SOME OF THOSE OTHER ARTISTS. I WON NOTHING LAST YEAR AND I'D BROUGHT OUT STRONGER. THEN THIS YEAR, JUST BECAUSE I WAS THERE, I WON BEST URBAN ACT. THIS WAS LIL' WAYNE'S YEAR."
After a while, I just wish someone would buy him a hammock,a blender and let him find his lost shaker of salt in Margaritaville.
What's that? You want a bloated quote from Spin Magazine where some guy is both arrogant AND racist? Boy are you in luck!
"I'M A POP ENIGMA. I LIVE AND BREATHE EVERY ELEMENT IN LIFE. I ROCK A BESPOKE SUIT AND I GOT TO HAROLD'S FOR FRIED CHICKEN. IT'S ALL THESE THINGS AT ONCE, BECAUSE, AS A TASTEMAKER, I FIND THE BEST OF EVERYTHING. THERE'S CERTAIN THINGS THAT BLACK PEOPLE ARE THE BEST AT AND CERTAIN THINGS THAT WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE BEST AT. WHATEVER WE AS BLACK PEOPLE ARE THE BEST AT, I'M A GO GET THAT. LIKE, ON CHRISTMAS, I DON'T BUY ANY FOOD THAT TASTES WHITE. AND WHEN I GO TO PURCHASE A HOUSE I DON'T WANT MY CREDIT TO LOOK BLACK."
I was barely able to contain the vomit in my mouth when he referred to himself as a "tastemaker", then he makes use of an excellent strategy by closing with racial stereotypes. Well played Kanye. Well played indeed.
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