Mike Tyson
Occupation: Cuddly ear nibbler?
A resume that wouldn't even score you a job waving a sign outside a Cash For Gold store:
"You guys can't define me or define my work as a father. I am many things, you know. I am many things, yeah, I am a convicted rapist, I'm a hellraiser, I'm a father---a loving father, I'm a semi-good husband, you know what I mean."
Leonardo da Vinci. Lorenzo de' Medici. Mike Tyson. Renaissance men, the lot of them. When Castiglione wrote about polymaths, he never could have imagined a listmaker like Mike Tyson. Who needs a flowering of the arts, philosophy and sciences when you've got a man who is a boxer, ear biter, convicted rapist and semi-good husband?
- 06.14.2010 | 2:57 pm
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Mike Tyson
Occupation: Cuddly ear nibbler?
Adds a whole new imaginary repulsive spin to Barbara Walters interviewing Mike:
"I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk any more, unless you want to, you know."
Following his logic, the only women he's let interview him are Robin Givens, various hookers and the occasional baby mama.
- 06.08.2010 | 12:04 pm
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Mike Tyson
Occupation: Cuddly ear nibbler?
On the next episode of Criminal Minds, the BAU team attempts to analyze the complex personality of a boxer who's been knocked in the head a way too many times...
"I am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. There is no one who can match me. I want your heart. I want to eat your children."
Mike Tyson is the personification of "warm fuzzy puppy", so I'm certain he doesn't have any desire to eat your children. He probably just got children mixed up with chili. He does that sometimes.
- 06.02.2010 | 11:56 am
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Mike Tyson
Occupation: Cuddly ear nibbler?
No matter how desperate your financial situation, never apply to be Mike Tyson's garbage man:
"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."
Hey, it's just like if you couldn't use your dog's slobbery water bowl as a fancy hat to honor him when he croaks. Let's face it, it's oh so perfectly sane to inflict possible brain damage on an individual getting in the way of you making a stickball bat. At least it is to people who chew off other people's ears.
- 05.15.2010 | 1:09 pm
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Mike Tyson
Occupation: Cuddly ear nibbler?
What would Dr. Spock think about this?
"I understand the situation. I understand passion with young kids...He's [Chris Brown] just a little baby that don't know how to handle his emotions when it comes to a woman.
"
A brain cell and an abuse counselor short as always, Mike.
- 04.22.2009 | 10:28 pm
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Mike Tyson
Occupation: Cuddly ear nibbler?
If any one person could accomplish this, it would be Mike Tyson...
"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."
Go to La Paz and hang a left. Mike's the second house down. You can't miss it!
- 12.01.2007 | 4:26 pm
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