Stupid Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

And here we were all thinking Gwyneth was completely lacking in self-awareness!

"Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don't have that many good years left in me."

Especially since when "beauty fades", all she's left with is a personality that closely resembles rotting limburger cheese.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

What happens when pretentious Americans jump the pond...

"She says 'Mummy' instead of 'Mommy', I don't mind that. I will if she starts saying 'basil' and 'pasta' the English way, as that really drives me nuts."

It is refreshing to see Lady Gwyneth, Countess of Goop, perpetuating the fashion of faux British accents by encouraging her daughter's mix and match phonix style. How else will Apple communicate with "Mummy's" best mate Madonna?

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

I bet the clock is not all the crew want to punch...

"I'm very happy here [in London] and I really like the way the film industry works, everybody cares. I like that it doesn't have this big capitalistic feeling. When you do something in L.A. you really feel the crew are punching the clock."

Those selfless Brits! They have tricked Gwynnie into believing that they care about her for free. Of course this begs the question, when does Gwyenth actually make contact with film crews across the pond? I thought her main duties in Jolly Ol' England consisted of lugging yoga mats up and down the street while looking irritated for the paps.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Oh my god! Shut up, shut up, shut up!!! Just stick a block of Manchego cheese in your vainglorious mouth and shut the f*ck up!

"Every woman can make time - every woman - and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I've worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work, and if it's important to you, it'll be important to them."

Countless times you've worked out with kids crawling all over the place...while nannies took care of them is what you really meant to say. You sit, self-appointed, on your throne with your consort King Wimpy looking down on mothers who can't afford your useless lifestyle. I would suggest getting your head out of your ass, but it's a wonder you got it in there in the first place considering the giant stick that's been stuck up there for years taking up space.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Guess who decided higher learning wasn't for her any more in 1991:

"I wasn't the high-school play queen or anything. And my parents would let me act until I graduated from college."

Well, that explains why her movies suck. She's still waiting to graduate from college before she actually starts "acting" for real.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

All you journalists who dare to criticize Coldplay had best check yo selves before you wreck yo selves! Goopy will bust out a can of organic, free-range whoop ass on you like she's head bitch in the prison yard.

"I thought, 'I wish this writer extreme misery and bodily harm.'"

If that's the case Goop, why not just invite said writer to your house for a weeklong visit? After having to listen to you, do yoga with you and eat your crappy food, he'll be begging for a pardon from Parliament in seconds. I would suggest if you really want to torture him, just put the song "Yellow" on constant rotation, but that might break some article of the Geneva Convention.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Baby talk, baby talk it's a wonder you can goop! La Gwynnie on wishing she was Cindy Brady's namesake...

"That's what I wanted to change my name to as a little kid. I hated Gwyneth back then. It sounded stuck up."

A stuck-up stick-in-the-organic-herbal-mud with a stick up her backside taking back the Gwyneth! Even in childhood she knew she couldn't aspire to be as groovy as Marcia or even Jan. The vicious cycle continues while somewhere Apple's out there wishing her name could be Winona or Scarlett.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

This from a woman who dropped out of college and does entire interviews in magazines where she discusses clothes. Time for you to step off that high horse of yours, Ms. Paltrow, before it turns around and bites you on your flat ass.

"We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature---all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, 'Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you're wearing?' and I thought, I can't stay here. I have to get back to Europe."

Oh yes, I can imagine all the great dinner parties she had with the Primrose Hill crowd. Maybe Sadie Frost talked about millet meatloaf and Manet whilst the ever profound Kate Moss and Meg Matthews discussed drunkenly falling out of bars and reciting lines from Dostoevsky.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Goopidty Goop shaking her manicured Hollywood finger in the faces of all the people smart enough not to marry Chris Martin:

"Then, my son points to my fat tummy and then I step it up. I think it's just about knowing that you have the power to look however you want. Are you going to wake up and make yourself do it and lose the weight you need to lose?"

Just like Gwynnie points out, it'll be a breeze for your fat plebian ass to lose weight. Just summon your over-priced trainer, glide over to the workout room in your house, have your personal chef make you a seaweed casserole and spread the latest cellulite cream made of organic fish tongues all over your fat tummy. You'll be red carpet and airbrush ready in no time.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

America's methods of mourning do not meet up to the high standards of a useless actor. I'm heartbroken.

"I find the English amazing how they got over 7/7. There were no multiple memorials with people sobbing as they would have been in America. There, they are constantly scaring people but at the same time, people think nothing of going to see a therapist."

We're so sorry our grief got in the way of your yoga, Goop newsletters and sucking up to Stella McCartney. And by the way, if anyone here has seen a therapist, it's your sorry self-involved celebrity ass, you twat for brains.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

The dialysis diva moans about her oh-so torturous life:

"Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I'm so tired."

You know her pee smells funky. Like lentil and grass smoothies or something.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Mother Goop-i-ful on the global furor caused by naming her daughter Apple.

"Then she was born and it was an international outrage, which I found surprising because there are people named Rose or Lily or Ivy or June...or lots of pretty nouns!"

Like the song says, "A noun's a special kind of word...," but you know she's just one of those elitist parts-of-speech snobs. She wouldn't be caught DEAD naming her child after some flashy adverb, no matter how tempting it might be.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Wonder why they lost their studio?

"Sometimes Harvey Weinstein will let me use the Miramax jet if I'm opening a supermarket for him."

I would give my right arm to see Goopy open a Piggly Wiggly. Unfortunately, it was probably Whole Macrobiotic Foods Up Her Butt grocery chain based out of Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

A humble quote from Yoko Ono:

"I mean, it's embarrassing to be playing in front of your husband, especially when he's in one of the world's most successful bands."

Oops! It's just Goopy yammering on about hubby's band Coldplateoffood. I thought she said one of the world's most successful bands and got sooo confused. A thousand pardons!

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Playing fast and loose with history, much like she did with her Hollywood boyfriends, Goop has a new scold for us:

"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible."

America apologizes to Spain and Great Britain for foisting the great pile of poo known as Gwyneth Paltrow upon them.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Pretentious Popeye takes a moment from consuming her macrobiotic, free range spinach to let us know this:

"I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year. "

Somewhat similar to how she can't pretend to be gracious, humble or human. She yam what she yam.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Cue the violins! The Job of self-help newsletter writing is down in the mouth.

"F-ck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and, for a second, your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I'm trying to do? I'm a good person and I'm trying to put good things into the world."

Apple told her that saying "f-ck the haters" would make her sound oh-so dope.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Ben Affleck's old girlfriend takes a moment out of her Goop-y lifestyle for some self-reflection:

"People think I'm aloof, or old, or that I breathe rarefied air—that's not me."

No, we're all pretty sure that the air you breathe Gwyneth smells like undeserved entitlement, organic sunflower seeds, and a whole lot of self-importance.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

The close pal of Sadie Frost and the rest of the Primrose Hill Temperance League has this to say about her non-alkie friends:

"No. I think they're the idiot people and I'm the normal person. But I don't really go to parties where ... I don't really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it's incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you're really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public."

Just replace every random word she says from now on with the word "Goop". It will make it all better. Like, "I'm Goop Paltrow. I am a goop person who gives her goop opinion on all sorts of goop she knows nothing about." See! Sunshine day!

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Self-aware as always:

"I don't want to be rich and I don't want to be famous."

You're well on your way to the second part, honey.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

The always delusional Mrs. Coldplay throws a pity party for herself:

"I'm really f**king good at my job, and people who are interesting and good know that. That's all that matters."

As for the people that actually buy movie tickets...they suck right Gwynnie? Please do us all a favor you insufferable prat and shut up.

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

Displaying all the graciousness a Spence education can provide, Gwynnie voices her unwanted opinion to a production staffer about what he was feeding his kids:

"I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-A-Soup."

Well, if you'd rather, please don't let us stop you...

Gwyneth Paltrow Occupation: Self-righteous twit

The line emblazoned on posters attempting to cash in on her "stardom":

"I AM AFRICAN"

Africa just called and would like to deport you.

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