Rejoice, bank accounts of dermatologists across the world! Akhenaten Paltrow decrees sunshine is good! Sunscreen suspiciously M.I.A. in her quote. Maybe it's baking pizza in her outdoor pizza oven.
"We're human beings and the sun is the sun---how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air. I don't think anything that is natural can be bad...."
Bat poo is natural. Does she plan to sprinkle that over her next Starbucks Grande? Why, why, why? Why does she keep talking? Why has no one mentioned to her that her skin has a perpetual windburn look to it? Why, oh why, is John Mayer famous? So many questions, so little time.
The Colonic Critic, Poopy Paltrow, deigns to discuss other actors' resumes:
"Even actresses that you really admire, like Reese Witherspoon, you think, 'Another romantic comedy?' You see her in something like Walk the Line and think, 'God, you're so great!' And then you think, 'Why is she doing these stupid romantic comedies?' But of course, it's for money and status."
Poopy doesn't need to do movies for money and status. She just does ads and more ads. And might I point out, Poopy? "Duets" and "A View From The Top". Why don't you cook those in your wood-burning outdoor pizza oven and shove them in your gob?
Her Royal Poopiness had this to say about her attendance at next year's Met Gala:
"I'm never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all."
May the gods not strike me down. I'm about to agree with Paltrow. If I had to be in the same room with Miley Cyrus' horse chompers, Jessica Biel's fame desperation and Kim Kardashian's...umm...just Kim Kardashian, I'd rather stay home and scrub my outdoor pizza oven while listening to endless replays of "Yellow", too.
I won't believe this unless I see Go-Poopy baking barley and chia seed casserole wearing the Cross Colours leather jacket, the pacifier hanging on a chain and the Club MTV spandex dress she bought at Merry-Go-Round:
"He [Chris Martin] can't have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn't at home, I turn on the hip-hop---I'm like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook."
Everyone who thinks Gwynnie is trying to up her street cred doing the running man to "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" or Vanilla Ice's "Play That Funky Music", raise your hand. She really just sucks so much as a human being, doesn't she?
The mommy trials and tribulations of Thoroughly Modern Goopy:
"I just look for interesting supporting—biggish supporting parts, and try to do one a year, and that's my limit. Some women can do it and that's fantastic, but I can't. You make choices as a wife and mother, don't you? You can't have it all. I don't care what it looks like."
True. Someone needs to be home to tell the fifteen nannies that they are making the spelt pasta wrong and that Chris Martin is a terminal disappointment to you.
Hey, has anyone seen Kate Bosworth? Oh? Is she backstage at the Coldplay concert? Right then.
"The older I get, the more open-minded I get, the less judgmental I get. Life is long. I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?"
Who made these laws? Umm, the people who decided what the definition for "commitment" was?
Her most negative quality is being perfect? Who DOES she think she is? Speaking of which, can't we get the look on Goopy's face on constant loop when she found out her ancestor was a servant?
"One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that because it comes from self-doubt and insecurity and that's the ironic part. I'm so deeply flawed. I'm just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who's trying to do everything at once and trying to be a wife and maintain a relationship. There's absolutely nothing perfect about my life, but I just try hard."
Raise your hand if you delusionally think the free range seaweed known as Gwyneth Paltrow Martin has a perfect life...Bueller? Bueller?
Someone sucked on some Union Jack delusion recently:
"I'm just like any other regular mum; cooking, cleaning, wiping butts, picking up after kids, being a wife and helping the kids with their homework. Mind you, I'm terrible at maths. I can't even do my six-year-old's maths homework with her."
You aren't British, you aren't a "mum", you don't clean anything yourself and you don't do "maths". Screw you and the Grey Poupon commercial you think you're living in, Paltrow.
Even Moses Martin had to laugh when he read this pile of...sincerity:
"Any time you do anything with any degree of sincerity, people make fun of you. That's totally fine. I don't care. I don't read any of it. My thing with Goop has always been, if you don't like it, then don't log onto it. There were a couple of times when I thought, 'I'm just gonna stop doing it. People are so mean to me. I don't want to do it.' But then I was like, 'Who cares what some lame person out there says?' I was in Italy once, and this old man came up to me and said, 'I had the best time in Nashville because of Goop.' And that is so worth it to me."
Of course he had the best time in Nashville. If he's listening to your advice Goopy, then he probably can afford those $450 cashmere socks you advocated buying. If I could afford socks that cost the equivalent of a car payment, I'd be boot scootin' in Music City, too.
What happens when pretentious Americans jump the pond...
"She says 'Mummy' instead of 'Mommy', I don't mind that. I will if she starts saying 'basil' and 'pasta' the English way, as that really drives me nuts."
It is refreshing to see Lady Gwyneth, Countess of Goop, perpetuating the fashion of faux British accents by encouraging her daughter's mix and match phonix style. How else will Apple communicate with "Mummy's" best mate Madonna?
I bet the clock is not all the crew want to punch...
"I'm very happy here [in London] and I really like the way the film industry works, everybody cares. I like that it doesn't have this big capitalistic feeling. When you do something in L.A. you really feel the crew are punching the clock."
Those selfless Brits! They have tricked Gwynnie into believing that they care about her for free. Of course this begs the question, when does Gwyenth actually make contact with film crews across the pond? I thought her main duties in Jolly Ol' England consisted of lugging yoga mats up and down the street while looking irritated for the paps.
Oh my god! Shut up, shut up, shut up!!! Just stick a block of Manchego cheese in your vainglorious mouth and shut the f*ck up!
"Every woman can make time - every woman - and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I've worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work, and if it's important to you, it'll be important to them."
Countless times you've worked out with kids crawling all over the place...while nannies took care of them is what you really meant to say. You sit, self-appointed, on your throne with your consort King Wimpy looking down on mothers who can't afford your useless lifestyle. I would suggest getting your head out of your ass, but it's a wonder you got it in there in the first place considering the giant stick that's been stuck up there for years taking up space.
All you journalists who dare to criticize Coldplay had best check yo selves before you wreck yo selves! Goopy will bust out a can of organic, free-range whoop ass on you like she's head bitch in the prison yard.
"I thought, 'I wish this writer extreme misery and bodily harm.'"
If that's the case Goop, why not just invite said writer to your house for a weeklong visit? After having to listen to you, do yoga with you and eat your crappy food, he'll be begging for a pardon from Parliament in seconds. I would suggest if you really want to torture him, just put the song "Yellow" on constant rotation, but that might break some article of the Geneva Convention.
Baby talk, baby talk it's a wonder you can goop! La Gwynnie on wishing she was Cindy Brady's namesake...
"That's what I wanted to change my name to as a little kid. I hated Gwyneth back then. It sounded stuck up."
A stuck-up stick-in-the-organic-herbal-mud with a stick up her backside taking back the Gwyneth! Even in childhood she knew she couldn't aspire to be as groovy as Marcia or even Jan. The vicious cycle continues while somewhere Apple's out there wishing her name could be Winona or Scarlett.
This from a woman who dropped out of college and does entire interviews in magazines where she discusses clothes. Time for you to step off that high horse of yours, Ms. Paltrow, before it turns around and bites you on your flat ass.
"We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature---all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, 'Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you're wearing?' and I thought, I can't stay here. I have to get back to Europe."
Oh yes, I can imagine all the great dinner parties she had with the Primrose Hill crowd. Maybe Sadie Frost talked about millet meatloaf and Manet whilst the ever profound Kate Moss and Meg Matthews discussed drunkenly falling out of bars and reciting lines from Dostoevsky.
Goopidty Goop shaking her manicured Hollywood finger in the faces of all the people smart enough not to marry Chris Martin:
"Then, my son points to my fat tummy and then I step it up. I think it's just about knowing that you have the power to look however you want. Are you going to wake up and make yourself do it and lose the weight you need to lose?"
Just like Gwynnie points out, it'll be a breeze for your fat plebian ass to lose weight. Just summon your over-priced trainer, glide over to the workout room in your house, have your personal chef make you a seaweed casserole and spread the latest cellulite cream made of organic fish tongues all over your fat tummy. You'll be red carpet and airbrush ready in no time.
America's methods of mourning do not meet up to the high standards of a useless actor. I'm heartbroken.
"I find the English amazing how they got over 7/7. There were no multiple memorials with people sobbing as they would have been in America. There, they are constantly scaring people but at the same time, people think nothing of going to see a therapist."
We're so sorry our grief got in the way of your yoga, Goop newsletters and sucking up to Stella McCartney. And by the way, if anyone here has seen a therapist, it's your sorry self-involved celebrity ass, you twat for brains.
Mother Goop-i-ful on the global furor caused by naming her daughter Apple.
"Then she was born and it was an international outrage, which I found surprising because there are people named Rose or Lily or Ivy or June...or lots of pretty nouns!"
Like the song says, "A noun's a special kind of word...," but you know she's just one of those elitist parts-of-speech snobs. She wouldn't be caught DEAD naming her child after some flashy adverb, no matter how tempting it might be.
Playing fast and loose with history, much like she did with her Hollywood boyfriends, Goop has a new scold for us:
"It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible."
America apologizes to Spain and Great Britain for foisting the great pile of poo known as Gwyneth Paltrow upon them.
Cue the violins! The Job of self-help newsletter writing is down in the mouth.
"F-ck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and, for a second, your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I'm trying to do? I'm a good person and I'm trying to put good things into the world."
Apple told her that saying "f-ck the haters" would make her sound oh-so dope.
The close pal of Sadie Frost and the rest of the Primrose Hill Temperance League has this to say about her non-alkie friends:
"No. I think they're the idiot people and I'm the normal person. But I don't really go to parties where ... I don't really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it's incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you're really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public."
Just replace every random word she says from now on with the word "Goop". It will make it all better. Like, "I'm Goop Paltrow. I am a goop person who gives her goop opinion on all sorts of goop she knows nothing about." See! Sunshine day!
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