Name: Paris Hilton
Occupation: unknown
Occupation: unknown
Paris pouts and stomps her Louboutins!
"I wanna have like a family and a guy. Y’know, it just upsets me because I'm not anything like what people say about me, and this cartoon character that they've made of me is just completely false. It makes me mad that I'm such a good person and I'm treated like that by some people, I just don't get it.
"
They do say that herpes can cause memory loss...
comments:
Name: Pamela Anderson
Occupation: Aging Sex Symbol
Occupation: Aging Sex Symbol
Wondering why Pam's marriage to Kid Rock didn't make it to fifty years?
"We didn't sit down and read books all night, which I love to do."
You can tell by the list of people on Pam's dating resume that reading Kafka is a priority.
Name: Madonna
Occupation: Jim Jones in Training
Occupation: Jim Jones in Training
Forget Gwyneth! Madonna has some goop-y advice to fix your life:
"Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything will be fine."
In other words, use a half percent of your brain and adorn yourself in an ensemble made entirely out of denim. All will be well.
Name: Colin Farrell
Occupation: Reformed rake
Occupation: Reformed rake
Close but no cigar...
"It's not that I'm stupid. I just don't think sometimes.
"
It's not that he's smart. He just doesn't think sometimes.
Name: Chris Martin
Occupation: Poet laureate of henpecked husbands
Occupation: Poet laureate of henpecked husbands
A Dawn commercial just waiting to happen:
"Men should always change diapers. It's a very rewarding experience. It's mentally cleansing. It's like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes."
Mr. and Mrs. Gwyneth Goop are becoming more and more like the Lockhorns from the Sunday comics every day.
Name: Lil' Wayne
Occupation: Whoopi Goldberg
Occupation: Whoopi Goldberg
On the list of things I never cared to know:
"I'd probably love to have sex with…man, I think she's dead already. I'd probably want somebody like Marilyn Monroe -- somebody that's been with the president or something. If I had Marilyn Monroe, I would do whatever she asks and whatever she's never had done to her. And I swear I'd do it good!"
I guess that means Monica Lewinsky has something good waiting for her around the bend?
Name: Beyonce Knowles
Occupation: Sasha Not So Fierce
Occupation: Sasha Not So Fierce
It's a hard knock life for her!
"I'll be able to go to the theater every day and drop my kids off and maybe make some food — maybe I'll know how to cook by then — and then go do what I love and have some normalcy and have a regular schedule."
As opposed to her regular schedule right now which seems to solely consist of sitting next to Jay-Z at basketball games.
Name: Kendra Wilkinson
Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Witness as a waste of space attempts to understand that dang postage stamp thing:
"The first time I mailed something on my own, like a couple of months ago, I didn't put a stamp on it! My mom, she was like, "Are you serious? You didn't put a stamp on your mail?" I'm like, "Dude, I've never been on my own before, how am I supposed to know?""
Look, Kendra doesn't have time to master plebian tasks like mailing letters. She has a lot to do...like looking at her ass in the mirror all day and collecting athletic socks.
Name: Mike Tyson
Occupation: Cuddly ear nibbler?
Occupation: Cuddly ear nibbler?
What would Dr. Spock think about this?
"I understand the situation. I understand passion with young kids...He's [Chris Brown] just a little baby that don't know how to handle his emotions when it comes to a woman.
"
A brain cell and an abuse counselor short as always, Mike.
Name: Alice Waters
Occupation: Chef Marie Antoinette
Occupation: Chef Marie Antoinette
Whisper it with me: Liberté, égalité, fraternité...
"We make decisions every day about what we're going to eat. And some people want to buy Nikes, two pairs. And other people want to eat Bronx grapes and nourish themselves."
Let them eat cake---only if it's made from cage free eggs and organic flour! Just don't let them buy les footwear.
Name: Naomi Campbell
Occupation: Furious George
Occupation: Furious George
Justice is blind unless you pose arms akimbo for Vogue:
"You can't f***ing touch me, my cousin is Scotland Yard."
These, of course, are the original lyrics to MC Hammer's magnum opus.
Name: Nick Lachey
Occupation: Waiting for The Love Boat remake
Occupation: Waiting for The Love Boat remake
Et tu, Lachey? Backhanded best wishes ahoy!
"I wish her nothing but the best, and I hope she's happy- - whatever size that comes in."
In other words, my ex-wife is a cow and I'm really, really happy you're all laughing at her and her "Eight Is Enough" jeans.
Name: Jessica Alba
Occupation: Self Masturbation
Occupation: Self Masturbation
In the event you missed your daily dose of racism and misogyny -
"I've got cousins galore. Mexicans just spread all their seeds and the women just pop them out."
Ok, seriously, wtf?
Thanks again to Precious for the find!
Thanks again to Precious for the find!
Name: Sean Puffy Combs
Occupation: Overproduced as a person
Occupation: Overproduced as a person
Always humble, never delusional...
"Sean John is fashion Viagra. I’ve had 40 year-old men tell me that once they started wearing Sean Jean, everything changed for them, [including] their sex life."
Alas! If only Bob Dole had a Sean John velour track suit...oh the places he could have gone...