Name: Tila Tequila
Occupation: Dora The Exxxplorer
Occupation: Dora The Exxxplorer
Drowning in delusion pond...
"It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."
During the Middle Ages, people this stupid were only allowed to entertain the village in jester's clothing.
comments:
Name: Kate Beckinsale
Occupation: Rula Lenska
Occupation: Rula Lenska
Coming straight home from The I Can't Walk And Chew Gum At The Same Time School, Kate has this to say:
"I’m the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can’t be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I’d rather he didn’t order in the sex."
I hope a side of "I.Q." or at least a carton of "Hey famewhore! Stop talking about your sex life!" comes along with that takeout order.
Name: Lil' Wayne
Occupation: Whoopi Goldberg
Occupation: Whoopi Goldberg
Mirror, mirror on the table, who's the most delusional of them all?
"I don't do too many [drugs]. I just smoke weed and drink. But I'll never f*ck with no more coke. It's not about the bad high; it's just about the acne: Cocaine makes your face break out. I'm a pretty boy."
Johnny Cash is dead, but we get to keep Lil' Wayne??? Bah!
Name: Marc Anthony
Occupation: Gregor Samsa
Occupation: Gregor Samsa
Behold the man who has sand kicked in his face by other 98 lb men!
"I pick out all her dresses."
It's a snap! He just rummages through the reject pile from the White Diamonds commercial shoot.
Name: Pete Wentz
Occupation: Street cred for tweens
Occupation: Street cred for tweens
I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!
"I love Jessica Simpson's stuff, especially the shoes. I dance around my house in them all the time."
He's obviously getting ready to audition for a part in "Dillhole Musician Prances in Cheap Hooker Shoes" opening soon on Broadway. Break a leg, Petey!
Name: Jamie Lyn Spears
Occupation: Making the stereotype true
Occupation: Making the stereotype true
Hey y'all! It's the hillbilly Liam and Noel Gallagher!
"I would like to be like Britney, but maybe better, but I don't wanna outshine her."
<cue Appalachian jug music>This is sooo Jethro and Elly May. If only Miss Hathaway were around to show them the difference between "teach" and "learn".
Name: Kendra Wilkinson
Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
Occupation: Geezer Pleaser
The peroxide Stephen Hawking describes a brief history of time...
"I'm 22 and still have my whole sex life ahead of me. I still have a lot of sex years ahead of me. But all girls need a vibrator!"
"I'm 22 and still have my whole PORN life ahead of me." Fixed it for ya, Kendra!
Name: Lil' Wayne
Occupation: Whoopi Goldberg
Occupation: Whoopi Goldberg
Poet laureate Lil' Wayne on why he abstains from the kibbles and bits...
"A junkie can't do what the f**k I do. I try to tell them [police]. I am the ultimate high, understand? I am my drug, you understand me?"
After a defense like that, can you believe they arrested him? Sounds pretty sober to me.
Name: Avril Lavigne
Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Occupation: Sid Vicious for the new century
Rebel without an Ambien speaks!
"Sometimes I just stay up and go, 'Hey, I'm not going to sleep tonight.'"
The guilt of foisting her music upon the world is finally taking it's toll.
Name: Madonna
Occupation: Jim Jones in Training
Occupation: Jim Jones in Training
Madonna touts her political science Ph.D. with the following:
"I don’t know what our government does except put us into debt and blow up other countries."
Cor blimey, govna! Even in a fake British accent, it doesn't sound any smarter.
Name: Victoria "Posh" Beckham
Occupation: Spending David's money
Occupation: Spending David's money
Posh can't seem to find open toe running shoes:
"I have joined a gym, but I can't bring myself to start. What do you wear on the running machine? I can't bring myself to wear flat shoes."
Maybe she could start a line of running shoes with implants?
Name: Pete Wentz
Occupation: Street cred for tweens
Occupation: Street cred for tweens
The self-annointed Arthur Miller of pop music strikes again:
"There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood."
Welcome to Salem, California, population 2! When Magistrate Thomas GoodMusic shows up to throw Pete in the stockade for assaulting my ears with his crappy tunes, let me know. I'll be stocking up on tomatoes for the event.
Name: Lindsay Lohan
Occupation: Staunch water bottle supporter
Occupation: Staunch water bottle supporter
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm a believer now:
"If I'd been with every man I've been linked with I'd probably be dead by now! Generally speaking, my friends are much worse - I'm the goody-goody one by comparison. I've had to grow up fast. I've had a lot of responsibility from a young age."
Who are her bffs? Hookers in Amsterdam???
Name: Rachel Zoe
Occupation: Chillin' on Fraggle Rock
Occupation: Chillin' on Fraggle Rock
Celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe tells the best fairy tales!
"I've never touched a drug in my life. Until recently, I didn't even know what crystal meth was. And I haven't known the name of a diet drug since Dexatrim in the 80s. The only person I've told to lose weight is my mom."
After you're done listening to Ms. Zoe, the Easter Bunny has a tract of Florida swamp land he'd like you to invest in as well...